The beginning of the end

The room is dark save for the fluorescent work lights on the back wall. The air is still and warm. The current doesn’t flow until the crowd does. There’s a Steinway grand piano and a spattering of chairs and music stands. I want to finish the set-up but somewhere along the way I realized I don’t know it anymore. I know the number of chairs and stands in each row but I don’t know the small details, the right leg 1’ from center and how the first trumpet needs to be closer to the edge.

The scene makes me think of younger years when my energy would keep me skipping around tossing platforms by myself. My love for what I was doing made me strong and invincible. My reward was knowing I created something new every day. Something people enjoyed and applauded. I didn’t mind that no one knew who I was or what I did. Maybe I minded a little. But I felt confident that I’d get recognition and appreciation. It was all I really needed.

This morning I’m waiting for a piano tuner. A piano tuner who may or may not show up. My heart is heavy. I am sad. I am fearful of the future. The only career which I have known my entire life no longer makes me happy. It seems to have turned into a cruel world of enemies. I have trouble accepting that there can be so much negativity in a field where we create art for a living. We make wonder, we pretend, we play. It seems so many people have lost site of that. I have no more faith in what I’ve devoted my life to. I dream about there being progressive, intelligent communities of people still making magic but the chances of finding one, in this city, are near impossible. This city hasn’t been my friend in theater since I dropped out of college and off the face of the earth. I have unwillingly made enemies. I am unknown even after working for 18 years.

I feel the end getting closer and it’s scary. There’s nowhere for me to go in this city. I have no other skills or career path. The economy is making it hard to find jobs. I need a job. I need money. I haven’t saved as much as I should. Saving for the future is so hard. It will be even harder without a job.

The depression of the situation lies close to the surface these days. It’s contributing to tension and stress and bad sleep. Part of me wishing I could fast forward, just get it over with. Part of me tries to remember to be positive about each day. I’m struggling without a direction.

I guess I should update my resume.

Rinse and repeat

We’re back from Vegas. I suppose I’ve been meaning to open up this document and pound out some thoughts for awhile now but life has been busy. It still is. It’s the time of year when my task lists exceed the time in the day. So much needs to be done that I don’t know where to start. My focus suffers and so does my productivity. Before we left for the trip I was becoming really sleepy every day. Sleepy to the point of nodding off multiple times a day. I think it was the stress shutting my body down.

It’s now clear that I am unhappy at work. This is truly disheartening because I’ve invested so much in this job and this career path. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I’d found a place that respected me that I could stay for a good number of years. Heartbreakingly this job has followed the script of my previous jobs and it’s hard not to consider myself the greatest factor. My job isn’t understood, I’m not appreciated or listened to, I don’t believe in the direction they’re going and there’s a personality who is against me and makes my daily life a living hell when I have to interact with him. Story of my life. I get angry when I draw those parallels. There’s so much in this world and I’m doomed to repeat the demise of a job every couple years? What will break the cycle?

Instead of debating this any more I’m going to try to focus on the next couple weeks of the holiday. I’m going to try to remain focused and in motion for the whole day with a possible nap in the middle. Hey, we didn’t get in until 2a!

So much for...

I can hardly keep my eyes open. I don’t know why. It started this morning when I was sitting in the dentist chair at 9a nodding off. It’s happened a couple times at my desk. Even the brisk walk in the cold and lunch didn’t help. The Pepsi Max didn’t help either.

It’s obviously the tasty but deadly blueberry muffins I made last night.

Or maybe it’s my body responding to the added stress in my life right now. My body wants to shut down and cuddle up with K and sleep for 17 hrs or so.

It’s also this time when I can’t really push myself to do anything productive. I’m caught reading other people’s personal blogs that I’ve stumbled on or re-checking the news every 2 minutes. Facebook bores me these days. People just repost funny pictures or new articles or quotes. They don’t even update that they’re sitting in a waiting room or eating anymore.

Eating. I had a veggie dog today. It was an attempt at not feeling guilty eating two hot dogs. I ate it but it had the consistency and the taste of a sponge.

It’s now the evening. Football is on the TV, our quarterback is hurt. A glass of wine sits next to me and my computer is ever present in my lap where my fiancé would like to be. I’m surprised I’m not asleep but the body induced fatigue seems to have lifted since we put a bit of distance between us and the house/work/to-do lists.

Vegas can’t come soon enough but I also want to be prepared enough that it’s not a stressful trip. So much to do. So little time. So little money. So many worries.

Haiku - Nov 28

A small round pink pill

Ev’ry night at ten thirty

Just to save my life

Day whatever

Seems like I took a bit of a break from blogging every day about my sleep patterns and mood or anything. I just didn’t feel like it for awhile. I could make a lot of excuses about how I was busy or how I got distracted and it’s all true but if I’d really wanted to sit down and write I would have. Now I find myself writing at work again. My office seems awfully isolated and quiet today. I even snuck some time to finish up a comic.

As far as sleep is concerned the progress I seem to have made was only temporary. The last couple nights have been fitful nights saturated with dreams, mostly negative. You can see the drak circles under my eyes. I don’t know if this has anything to do with dropping down to 1/2C. I’m going to write to the doctor.

When I write to him I’m also going to tell him that the progress with my mood has been pretty startling. I’m on day 32 and I’m feeling like myself but I’m much less excitable. Situations that normally would have turned my stomach and forced my emotional anxiety don’t bother me as much. I’m overall less anxious although I’m hesitant to say I’m less emotional, I was pretty weepy recently. I teared up because I loved Thanksgiving and then again because I love Kevin so much. It makes me silly.

This was the solution I was looking for. Now if I could just manage a good night’s sleep.

Haiku - Nov 20

Everything is fine
I am making my days count
This is long past due

Day 17

Day 17

It’s 12:39a and I’m preparing myself for another night of sleep not much better than last night. Last night it felt as if I only slept every other minute of the night. I woke up very awake every couple minutes or so. I also had a really vivid dream that I gave birth to a baby girl with red hair. I won’t go into the details but it was really scary and really real.

Took my L at 10:30 like a good girl but I don’t think I’ll take the C tonight. It’s too late.

I’ve been feeling amazingly good recently and I’m worried that it’s not the L, it’s the mania. This not needing sleep is an indication of swinging that way. And I’m not as worried about this as swinging the other way but I also know it’s knocking me off of my semi-regular sleep pattern. I was doing so well too!

I’m also thinking about making a graph or some other chart way of keeping track of my sleep other than this rambling blog. What do you say, Excel? Shall we meet tomorrow night? Earlier than this?

Day 16

Day 16

What a restless night. I remember waking up not long after I fell asleep. I was sweating (probably due to the electric blanket) and I sat up and looked at K. I felt really strange, like I couldn’t talk or communicate. He turned on the blanket and I slumped down into the bed. K and I both tossed a turned and I woke up a lot in the middle of the night. I woke up at 7:30 and then fell back asleep until 8:30a.

In spite of that I don’t feel too run down although I could probably go for a nap today after work… which should be… ANY SECOND NOW!!

Taking the L and C in 3 minutes and counting! Didn’t nap, feel productive even if the house isn’t clean and everything I’ve typed today has exclamation points at the end of it.

I’m just generally excited about life. No really, I’m really happy.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. I just feel great. Thank you K&L.

Day 15

Day 15

I didn’t actually get to write this post on Day 15. I was too busy having a ton of fun. But first the basics: the end of Day 14. I had taken the L at 10:30 and passed on C. I knew I was going to stay up late and K and I opened a bottle of wine so I figured that would help.

K had slept all day, 13 hours straight and didn’t wake up until I was almost home. After punching him playfully for making me worry about him we decided to drink some wine, make some soup and then retreat to the bathroom with the rest of the wine, a dozen tea lights and some bubble bath. We went to bed at 1p and I slept pretty soundly.

Yesterday (actually Day 15) was K and I’s first day together in a really long time. We woke up (8:30a) and rolled around in bed for an hr and a half. It was warm and soft and full of laughter. Then we went to Denny’s for our old hangover meal. After that we stopped at a store and I made notes for our upcoming wedding registry. It was fun to play adults but scary when you think that it’s real now.

Luckily we took a break from being adults and went to the Science Center to be kids for awhile. It was really crowded when we got there but thinned out and quieted down by the time we left. We learned that if two adults are playing next to a little kid, that kid is automatically yours. The trip was definitely worth the $3 parking fee.

Then home for a rest, nap, finishing designing and ordering holiday cards, and a glass of good scotch. We were never very far apart.

Dinner was sushi of course even if it was an annoying Friday night. Afterwards we hit the grocery store for paper products and ice cream! Then we ate ice cream on the couch and curled up under a blanket to watch Hitchcock’s 39 Steps.

I remembered to take my L at 10:30 but decided not to take my C cause we were up late. We went to bed at midnight.

Haiku - Oct 10

My forehead’s pounding

Screen blurring in front of me

Please turn off the pain

Day 14

Day 14

So I messed up my pills. I was down to 2 C’s last night and I can’t get anymore until November 18^th. I can’t believe I wasn’t paying attention. At 10:30 I took 1/2C and 1L. Then I waited to get sleepy. I didn’t go to bed until 1:30a again. I’m not even sure why.

I woke up at 7:45a. K wasn’t home yet and I had a splitting headache. It was the same headache that I’ve had for 5 days now. It’s at the front of my forehead and I haven’t found anything to offer relief. At 1p today I took some exedrin sinus but that doesn’t seem to be helping either. I’m taking some more now.

I might try something stronger when I get home tonight.

Day 13

Day 13

Last night was a pretty big fail. I was unproductive, unmotivated, and uninterested. And there just weren’t enough episodes of Criminal Minds on tv. I decided I’d take my L and C at 10p. Then I’d fall gently to sleep on the couch and awake refreshed with all the possibilities of a new day in front of me.

But I couldn’t fall asleep. At all. Then my left leg started flipping out. It was like 2 legs worth of restless leg syndrome climbed into my left leg and wouldn’t let go. I was pretty upset. I started thinking of taking one of the P and that when the confusion came to peak.

I take one L a day at the same time each night 10:30. Got it.

I thought I was to take one C at the same time for relaxing sleep. Actually the instructions said ½ to 1 when needed for sleep. Hmm… I had never taken a half.

I also had a prescription for P. The instructions were identical to C but I’d never taken one.

I wasn’t sure if I could mix them and not die so I struggled with the online walgreens pharmacy chat until I got the answer. I would live.

By this point it’s 1:20a. I ended up getting to sleep within a half hour.

This morning I wake up at 7 because I hear K downstairs. I quickly get up so he doesn’t have to climb that extra set of stairs. I think I get a drink and brush my teeth so I can kiss and then I end up in bed. All of the memories of that half hour are kind of hazy and I don’t actually remember saying anything to K. I just nestled myself in and went back to sleep. I think I finally dragged myself out at 9a and made it to work by 10a.

It’s 12:30 now and I’m cramming granola bars into my mouth to try to satisfy the sweet tooth I’ve had recently. Other than that I feel like a zombie and I can’t wait to go home. I’m figuring out a way to leave early. I’m also having hot flashes.

Day 12

Day 12

At this moment I’m experiencing that time at work when I’m not actually doing anything, I’ve just gotten sleepy and I don’t understand why it’s not the end of the day already. I figured I’d pound on these keys a little bit before I forget everything about sleeping last night.

So last night I took both of my pills at 10:30 and laid down on the couch to finish the episode of Criminal Minds. During that last half hour I decided I was going to sleep upstairs because I hated the bed. I put on my pjs and grabbed an extra blanket and tucked myself in. All the time before I fell asleep at midnight I was sending K random texts that he didn’t respond to. Some of which were:

“I’m going to sleep on the couch. I hate the empty bed.”

“But I don’t think I’ll be comfy anywhere.”

“I want to go out wearing bright red lipstick someday.”

“And I want to go to Mineo’s pizza with you.”

“And I want to make out in a pool with you. Before the end of the year.”

Two hours later and received in the morning I get:

“Ok!”

“Friday?”

Apparently Friday plans are putting on some crazy lipstick, eating pizza, and then jetting out to Vegas. Sounds good to me!

This morning I woke up as K crawled on top of me on the couch. I didn’t know who he was or what time it was or where I was. I was all kinds of confused. There wasn’t even any drinking last night. My week is still a bit confusing. It feels like Friday and yesterday felt like Friday and the day before felt like Friday too. My mind was ready for a weekend and I’m depriving it of one. Just 2 more days and I get a day off!

My cold seems to still be holding me back although I was hungry for a little bit today which means I must be feeling better. I still want to be back at home on the couch sleeping though.

Day 11

Day 11

I just don’t feel very good today. I’ve got the same nagging forehead headache that I’ve had the past 2 days. My nose is more stuffed up. I think the cold is starting to win the fight I’ve been waging on it for weeks. I really want to be back in bed sleeping right now. I feel a bit run down. I also woke up feeling a bit sad. Maybe it was because I was getting up just as K was opening the front door from getting home. Maybe it was the miserable loss to the Ravens last night.

Since getting to work almost 2 hours ago I haven’t done much. I really need to keep on top of things. This is my chance to stay caught up on work.

And now it’s 9:40p. I left work around 4:15p. I didn’t want to be there when the Town Meeting started. I took a nap for an hour. I made a half assed attempt at a grocery run, got some good things but I didn’t feel satisfied. Still a bit run down.

I don’t feel bad, I just don’t feel like doing anything right now. I don’t even feel like going to bed or eating anything.

Actually, I don’t feel like writing this anymore.

Day continued

It’s 11:27. I took C at 11:04 and L at 10:44p. I’ve kept track of 4 drinks (pints of vodka and orange juice) and 2 loads of laundry. I made dinner for 3 people and I didn’t spend the whole night alone. I feel it’s success. Now only if the Steelers will pull out a win in this game. It’s close.

Today was a bit surreal at work. We finished up a pretty big dance festival and everything went well. We were prepared, we rolled with the punches and we had an audience. I don’t want to sound like nothing ever goes well but nothing ever goes this well. I joked about quitting tomorrow morning to end on a high note but I almost thought about it. This was good. This was what we deserved the whole time. We deserve this kind of success.

And while I’m celebrating, I’m also realizing now that no one will see what happened. They won’t realize how good this was, how smooth, how professional. But I’ll know and I’ll remember.

Day 10

Day 10

Yes. I have taken the pills (at least the L) on time for 10 days now. Last night I remembered right at 10:30. However I then started drinking and took my C at 11:30 and then I stayed up until I fell asleep on the couch at about 1:30. It was daylight savings time and I woke up on my own at 6:30a with a stupid headache. I took some ibuprofen drank some water and went back to bed. Not having to work until 12:30 meant that I could have gotten up and hit the gym before work since I didn’t make my self imposed 3 times last week. Instead I stayed in bed and waited for K. Then I clocked another 2 hrs of sleeping. I still have a headache and I’m a bit yawny but other than that I’m feeling ok!

Day 9

Day 9

And so day 9 is here. Last night I did as much wrong as I could. I drank before bed. I went to bed late. I took my C late. I ate too much food…late. And I paid for it. The nightmare included a child getting impaled on a bit pointy stick. I remember asking K what emeritus meant this morning because in my dream it meant the Japanese tradition of hitting people for their own good. As I was driving to work I also remembered that I had to call someone because the dancers said it was too cold onstage and there was also some random dancing. I was dancing. I’m not going to say that dancing in my dream balances out the child torture but it’s a step in the right direction as far as nightmares are concerned. I also find my subconscious infusing my dream with a bit of romance. I’m going to chalk that up to missing K a lot.

Speaking of K, we had another amazing 30 minutes together this morning. It amazes me how much happiness, love, and laughter we can squeeze into 30 minutes. The 30 minutes between me waking up and him falling asleep.

I know it sucks right now but part of me is really proud of us. We are really strong.

I hate Tom Cruise

It’s 11:14p and I just sat down at my desk after an exhausting day to write about my progress and gasped out loud when I realized I’d forgotten my 10:30 pills. I took the L but the C has to wait until we get home so I’m not too tired to drive. Speaking of: I think I’ll go get the car.

So then I went and got the car and on the way I got a text from K saying he was across the street and wanted to see me. You see, he’s been on the night shift for a bit now and we don’t get to spend any time together anymore. So I hurried to the car and then hurried back then rushed out the door. He wasn’t on Liberty anymore so I dropped down to Sharp Edge, right at the edge of where I could be. And I stood. And I texted. And I waited. And if you know me then you know waiting is one of my most anxious times. There was no response. I ended up getting the courage to walk over to the PA’s who’s job it is to stand by the bike rack and not let any of the drunks through. I made some chit chat with them about meal breaks and they even offered to find K, but they didn’t know him. So I reluctantly walked back got the car and went home. I’d gotten my hopes up and inadvertently crushed myself. On the ride home I held back the tears, who was I to cry over not seeing my love when so many people around the world are separated from theirs. What right do I have to cry when so many people in the world will never find a love like this? Then I felt guilty.

And now? Now I’m sitting in the kitchen with one really strong cocktail. I took C at midnight. I’ve also got a pot of water boiling with some tortellini in it. The smell of bacon when I got home made me hungry for real food and I realized I forgot a meal today. All of these factors will effect tomorrow’s entry….

Haiku - Nov 4

Room of cinderblock

Fluorescent lights buzz above

Computer screen stare

Day 8

Day 8

The thing about taking my pills regularly at 10:30 (which I did again last night) is that what happens when at my 11p bedtime another episode of Criminal Minds comes on and I haven’t seen it? Well last night I decided I’d stay up and watch it. I am the master of my own bedtime! And then I quickly slid off into a light slumber. I woke at 11:58 and went down to another empty bed.

I was up at 6:45a with a decent night’s sleep. I woke up once at 2:17a. I don’t remember dreaming. At 6:45a I thought I heard K get home and I was lucky when he climbed into bed at 7:20a, 10 minutes before my alarm went off. I changed my alarm to 7:50 and had an amazing 30 minutes of his arms around me.

Today is a long day at work but the days don’t seem to be bothering me as much. I’m more relaxed at work. I’m still eating ok and not drinking as much. How exciting if I could drop our liquor budget down a notch!

Day 7

Day 7

Last night I stayed on schedule and 7 days of taking them at the same time and going to bed at the same time seems to be a miracle. But it was also the first semi-restless night. I remember moving a lot and waking up a little every time I repositioned. It was also the first night that K was back with me. I’m trying to remember but I fairly sure that it’s been 7 days since that too. I wish I could look into this more but tonight will be back to the same empty bed for awhile again.

I’m always hesitant to say I’m feeling better because there are so many factors to how I’m feeling that I never feel confident attributing an improvement on one. I can say right now that I feel more balanced than I’ve felt in awhile. A long while. I’m getting interested in things again. There’s been a quick social media spurt. I’m keeping up with a routine. I’m also not eating horribly and I’ve been drinking in moderation! The one bad habit that hasn’t stopped is biting my fingernails oddly enough.

I’m wary, I’m cautious but I’m feeling good.

Day 6

Day 6

My pills were a bit later last night. I didn’t get to take them until 10:45p. Then I ate some hummus and went to bed. Woke up at 6a with my alarm but then snoozed until after 7a and has to rush getting up. I remember some dreams but nothing that stands out as affecting my day.

“Do you feel different?”

It’s a question I was asked this morning and that I ask myself every day. It’s a very hard one to answer.

[And that’s when I had to go work and never returned to this blog post – To Be Continued…]

Day 5

Day 5

I took my pills at 10:30 but went to bed at 11:30. I had a couple vodka and pepsis before bed. Probably 3 or 4. I was tipsy but it wasn’t the same. I wish I could have explained it a bit better last night.

Woke up with my alarm at 7a this morning. I’m a little more yawning that I had been bit the biggest change is that I had a really vivid dream. A slightly erotic dream as well. It about someone I had worked with on a show recently. He comes across as kinda geeky and wear glasses. But yesterday someone posted a video of him. He’s a competitive breakdancer in his spare time and doesn’t wear glasses. That’s probably why he was the star of my dream. We took a trip to Maine together and stayed at a resort type hotel in the mountains. He was flattering and romantic but I wasn’t into it. I kissed him on the cheek for being sweet but nothing more. It was a very vivid dream and I remember wanting to go skinny dipping.

Today I’m starting to lose focus with all that needs done but I think I can hold on. I’m going to have some lunch now and then go to the bank.

Thx Day 1

This projected was suggested by a friend and inspired by ThxThxThx.

Day 4

Day 4

Went to bed at 11, woke up at 7:30, without K for another night. No dreams. Maybe I should start to count those days. Today I jumped and went to work at 9 and stayed until 1p. Then I went to run “errands” which actually meant coming home and switching the laundry. In my defense I tried to get new mop heads but parking was abysmal and I was frustrated.

I’ve had a couple drinks tonight. Maybe 4. I want to stay up some more and watch stupid TV all night but it’s almost 11 and I’ll probably go to bed on time.

M is staying with us tonight, maybe for the week. We’ll see how long it lasts. K says it’s nice that I won’t be alone and I told him I like being alone. Right now I do.

Day 3

Day 3

I took my pills at 10:30p, went to bed at 11p. I woke up briefly at 5a and then up at 8a. I woke up and K wasn’t even home yet. After putting him to bed I cleaned the kitchen and found my scarves in the basement. My triumph for the day was actually making my way to the gym and spending more than an hour there with a variety of exercises. Oh, of note is that I took my pulse this morning after waking up. 66. I don’t know of it ever being that low before. So exercising brought that up again.

Today I got a sleepy spell after my shower around 3p. I haven’t had anything to drink tonight. Haven’t even wanted anything. A few days ago I would have pre-games the gym and filled my flask more than once.

I am however a bit weepy about happy stories. And I ripped off a fingernail.

On the radio I heard that it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. I’m on day 3 of taking both my pills and my vitamins. Only 18 more to go!

Day 2

Day 2

I went to sleep around 11:00p. I woke up briefly at 1a and then again at 3:30a when K got home. I was up at 6:51a. And at work at 7:30a.

My mind seems clear this morning. I’m not yawning very much and I’m functioning suitably.

What if this all starts to make me feel boring? Should I build up another version of passionate me from the new boring one? Is the only thing that’s made me excited and passionate my disease?

12:36p

Work has left me bored. I’m refusing to actually look at work because it’s the weekend. And K’s cute face is beckoning me home. I think I might just leave.

10:28p

Day 2 is ending a lot like Day 1. On the couch under a blanket. Without K. Productivity was at a zero. But I’m strangely not as upset about it as I normally would be. And I had a shot and a beer but it really didn’t do much.

I’m counting on tomorrow being an amazingly productive day.

Short by design

Note: I believe I am too accustomed to ingesting information in small blurts. Headlines and status posts along with short articles that are less than a page in length. When I see a longer article or heaven forbid, a book, I shy away. I click onto something else, something with a quicker gratification. Lists are my favorite. I would love a top 10 list with pictures! More than 15 and I’ll start to think they’re tricking me into reading something longer.

And all this coming from someone who grew up reading who claims to love reading. My neglected love Sherlock Holmes would disagree!

Day 1

Day 1

I popped two pills and went to bed at 11p last night. I’m figuring that’s a good mid range bed time for a 30 yr old. I woke up at 4a. I rolled woozily over and thought “I’m not supposed to be awake.” I noted the time and fell back asleep. I repeated this at 7a and finally got out of bed at 8:30a. I remember no nightmares.

K asked me if I was ok. I said no. But I didn’t know what was wrong. I think I said “I just hate today.”

I walked to work. My face was cold and I was angry about losing my scarves and hats and my earmuffs.

Work is practically deserted today. I would feel better if these people worked on the weekends like I do. My 12:30 was a no show until he called at 1p. He’s on his way now. My 1p was apparently cancelled but no one told me and there might not have been on in the first place. I’m going to finished up here and walk home.

9:30p

I’m not drunk. I haven’t had a drink since my one morning shot. These nights are the kinds that inviting the whiskey. I’m home alone and will have to go to bed alone.

Tonight I stared at the TV mindlessly watching mindless television for 2 hours watching the time I had to make something of the night tick away. The weird mood never left me. I wasn’t upset or happy. I was just apathetic.

Right now I’m watching a documentary on the 1930’s and I finished a comic strip. I’m on track to be in bed at 10:30 after slipping two more pills into me.

We’ll see where this takes us.

Haiku - Oct 26

So close to the end
Excited for the moment
Yet just want to sleep

Composing my speech

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor who told me I was bipolar 8 years ago. At the time I thought he was crazy and ran away. Turns out I was the one that was crazy. My decision to seek him out and find him again was in one of my down times when I was just sick of riding this rollercoaster. And more than ever I’m looking forward to my future and seeing that I’m going to need to be a bit more stable if I want to make a family work.

So I thought I’d prepare some speaking points so I don’t spend all of my valuable expensive time rambling about how much I hate my job right now.

-I turned 30 – I now feel a sense of urgency to be happy, make something of myself and make an impact.

-I’m scared as hell that I’m going to pass this crazy on to a baby or just be an awful mother.

-My work that has always been stressful is now not rewarding. Long hours, all the responsibility, no acknowledgment, feeling alone.

-I am drinking too much.

-Is there a drug I can take just when I need it? I’m an expert on self-medicating.

That should lead me to enough to talk about.

I’m nervous and excited and I want to go to the library when I’m finished, or just walk around Oakland.

I wrote this while drinking a lot

I WANT TO MAKE ART!! I want to make art for me.. for my children. I want people to see it and say “what is this about?” and I will say “This art is about how I felt… how I fell… right now.” I want to be in this room. This room with the bookshelf I don’t own and the books I’ve never read and I want to make art. And some warm afternoons I just want to lay on the floor and read, from a corner I’ve never spent time in.

I used to sabotage my relationships because of my lack of self esteem. Things going well? Nice guy? Cheat on him! He’s boring! But now.. now everything is wonderful. I haven’t broken a heart for a year! Ok, 10 months or so…

So my newest fear is: Am I sabotaging my job? Am I not caring and wasting time and being bitter in order to cheat on my job? Or is this real?

How can I make decisions if I still can’t trust myself?

No really: I need to get healthier if I’m ever going to explain to a teenager how being healthy is important. I mean.. really..

I need to feel that magic in life again. When that magic happens on stage and I know it’s because of me. The piles of paperwork and computer staring is not magic. The stress and politics has nothing to do with art.

I’m so sorry I’m wasting October 24, 2011. I want to pass out and forget. I’m so sorry. I’m actually hoping I’m not sober when I go to work tomorrow. That means I’ll get out of bed. It will give me a few moments of “I don’t care,” that I need.

Haiku - October 23

My heart is sinking

It can not love the whole world

Or be free enough

Repetition

My mood is a broken record. Do people even remember what a broken record is? My thoughts keep repeating themselves and I haven’t found anything to break my focus away from the helplessness I’m feeling. My helplessness leads me into a spiral of self-pity. Looking at myself I just want to scream “Quit whining and do something.” I can only assume that’s what he’s thinking most of the time.

I can’t accurately express how I’m feeling in words or any other medium. It leaves me even more frustrated and I end up floundering and getting angry when I try to talk about it.

And my writing sucks.

Please let me leave

I’ve always felt a kinship with the city; the rough pavement and structures that are built from steel and concrete by men in hardhats. The world of the city is solid and stable. It is filled with people commuting. They are commuting to work or commuting to lunch or commuting back home. Home will be out of the city and they get their in traffic in cars or in buses to hide in their apartments. No one is ever just sitting in a city. No one says “Let’s spend a day in the city” without plans and destinations and a wallet full of plastic.

You don’t need to think about yourself or your life in the city because you are too busy. There is just too much to be done, to keep you moving. There is no break and no relaxation in the city.

There are no friends in the city. The interaction is with untrustworthy co-workers or strangers. If there are personal relationships in the city they have been imported and feel a bit alien to the space.

And it’s here that I felt at home. Because no one paid any attention to me. But I was not alone. I could be anti-social in a crowd of people and then I wouldn’t have to spend time with myself. Because my greatest fear is time spent alone with myself.

But now I’m not alone. For the first time I’ve found someone who fills my day and my life and my heart. Now I have no use for the city. The city is loud and busy and my home is quiet and soft.

I’ve found myself becoming increasingly irritated just stepping out of my door. It’s not that I long for the country but I just want some quiet. Thinking about myself isn’t as scary as it used to be and homemaking is even looking attractive.

As for nature, the fresh air and stars and green plants: I’d like to meet them again. I’d like to listen to the world and it hear it breath, not cough.

Where does knowing all of this get me? To a chin that is held up by an elbow on a big desk, day dreaming about gathering my things and heading for the hills.

But really… not anywhere.

Haiku - October 20

There is dark backstage

The gobos spin on the floor

And I feel lonely

Let me outta here

The house doors just opened. I’m just a crew member tonight. It’s comforting. I miss not being in charge for a minute. I miss a lot about my career and the way is started. When I think about it I get really depressed. It’s just not what it was.

I got into this business because I was a misfit and it was somewhere that I felt like I belonged. Now I’m the enemy. The management. Now I’m still the misfit I always was and I love theater like I always have and now I’m pushed out of the click. I’m alone in my world again.

There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of doing something else with my life, finally finding a passion and pursuing it. I think I’m just burnt out, done with this.

These feelings lead me into worrying about money and saving and why it seems impossible. It’s frustrating. I used to survive on so much less. How? How can I get back there?

More writing...

I’m in a conference room with the warm exhaust from the projector blowing on me. It’s 10:08a. I came into the room at 9:43a arms with two laptops, my backpack and a projector. Inside my backpack I had my water bottle and a granola bar. I had packed a meeting survival kit. I rearranged the room for optimal seating so that 8 people could see the wall that I was projecting on. Then I rearranged it, fought with myself a bit, cursed the room, and rearranged it. It’s far from optimal but I think it would work. I don’t think this is the time to try new room arrangements on the CEO. The meeting was scheduled for 10a, just like it always is. I am the only one here, like most times. This time I ducked my head into his office and said “I’m going to go set up the room, is there any specific way you’d like it to look?” He said he didn’t care and that the meeting would be late, probably 10:30 because someone from the something-or-other office was here. The important people needed to meet with them.

I should be doing a lot of things but instead I’m reading an online story with illustrations about two high school best friends. It made me want to write or dream about all of the things I’d rather be doing that sitting in this semi-dark conference room. Think about what it would be like is everyone had one day a week where they didn’t have to think about any of their responsibilities. No deadlines or bills or dirty laundry! Just like when we were kids! When we’re kids we know that adults have responsibility but it doesn’t look all that bad. In fact, we think “Paying a bill isn’t hard.” And it really isn’t. The act of paying a bill is not hard. Make sure you have the money, and write a check. I love pretending I was an adult when I was a teenager. I’d change bank accounts every month to get the best deals, a free mug or .02%. What we don’t realize when we’re kids is the worry that comes with all the adult tasks. It’s the thinking about if I’m buying the right can of soup for the value and cost and taste. It’s the guilt of knowing it doesn’t really matter but I can’t stop worrying about it anyway.

I’m not sure why I was offended when they came in and called my room set-up silly. Then they looked at me and asked why I didn’t jump in. I’m feeling defensive. That’s a bad mood for a meeting. An epic meeting.

Haiku - October 12

Forced poems are bad

Sometimes I don’t want to write

Or do anything

Morning darkness

Dear Doctor,

Still having the same trouble but maybe it’s not so urgent. Maybe it’s come down a couple notches since that tiny wet breakdown. Two night ago I was really satisfied and wanted to go to sleep but with a little nudge I got up to try to get some more work done. I stared at my computer screen, sent a couple e-mails and wasn’t making any progress. Sleep has been horrible and I knew I had to be up in the morning. I felt defeated and useless. So I packed up and made my way to bed, where I started to cry. It was a full out messy face sob fest. Maybe it’s only in my head but I think it helped a little.

Now it’s 7a and I face a day where I’m starting behind and I will get distracted and need to turn my attention to many other things making me abandon my long to-do list and end the day even more behind. Every task I complete will lead to 5 new ones and I have a 4 hour meeting right in the middle of the day.

I’m not holding a ton of hope for today even though it’s the first thing in the morning. That’s when I feel my most optimistic.

Wish me luck.

Dear Doctor 3

Dear Doctor

It’s been a couple days. And I’ve composed many blog posts, essays, and letters in my head. I wish I’d always had a computer at my fingertips and the focus to write it all down. In any event, I’ve thought of a couple of more things.

My fingernails have been destroyed, in fact right now I’ll pick at anything I can. My hands just always want to busy doing something.

Sex has been great and frequent and I can’t keep my hands off of him.

But my focus is still all over the place. I was in the middle of drawing a stick figure when I put it down to finally write this post. I might pick it back up again when I’m finished but more likely I’ll do something else, for a second.

My only saving grace right now is that I’m alone. I don’t have anyone to annoy the hell out of and I don’t have to interact with anyone. It’s better this way. I just need to get myself together for this week.

Do you have anything that might help?

Haiku - October 6

Sun piercing my eyes
I stumbly blindly to work
Each step is unknown

One more thing

Dear Doctor,

It’s me again. I forgot to add a few things. I called my mom today, just to catch up and talk but all the while my head was spinning so much that I couldn’t even carry on a good conversation. I was paying attention but my responses were stunted because there was so much swirling in my mind.

Right now I have dozens of computer windows open and a todo list with 80% of the projects started but not finished. I’m working on a little bit of everything and ending up nowhere.

I’d like this to stop.

Dear Doctor

Dear Doctor,

I think I have super sensory abilities right now. I could smell everything that everyone was having for dinner tonight on my walk home. I also had an acute sense of everything I was hearing. I could feel the breath enter my chest with such clarity.

I’ve felt like this before. I recognize them as good times. I fall in love with life again. I love the sky and this city and every step my legs are able to take. Colors seem brighter and more vivid to me.

It’s like the whole world is more in focus.

It’s these times that I want to create. It’s also these times when I can overwhelm myself easier. I have a lot of ideas and feelings coming at me from all angles and it’s hard to catch one and focus on it. I write more. I talk to myself more. I drink more water.

This started on Monday and now it’s Wednesday. I’ll try to let you know when it stops or changes but it’s likely I won’t feel like writing or admitting.

Am I crazy?

 

A tidbit poem

The world is a scary place tonight: A tidbit poem by me

It’s beautiful out tonight.

The river seems so peaceful.

I wish we were walking together.

Whole bunches of streets are closed.

Officer says “some kind of march”

The world is oddly quiet tonight.

I can hear the voices over a loudspeaker every once in awhile.

Maybe down by the stadium?

I still smell pastries.

I might be losing my mind.

Too many sirens tonight.

And a train is just stopped on the tracks.

A bus almost scared the life out of me.

A young dad was playing hide n seek with his twin 2 yr olds

            In an abandoned mall courtyard

                        In the darkness

Has it been so long since I walked home in the dark?

Haiku - Oct 5

Half moon shines on me
The world is oddly quiet
The future is here

Haiku - Oct 4

A dull ache inside
Gray skies and a chilly mist
I am missing you

I just need to make it

This week will be a challenge. It might end up in a knock down drag out fight, with someone. It could be with myself. It will most certainly take everything I have to keep going. I will daydream and try to eat healthier. It will be tough.

September is almost over and I think if I can live through this week, it will have been a productive month.

A few drops here and there

I just watched 4:43 minutes of a 5:17 minute video about 50 people answering the same questions “What’s your favorite memory?” By the end I was tearing up. I was sad at these people’s happiest memory. I’d be sad at my own if I took the time to pick one out. The reason is that a memory is gone and it will never happen again. It’s like when the leaving start to change and die. That leaf will never exist again.

…

And now, hours later I let a few tears drip out after reading a story about a man and wife adopting a baby right before he died.

Mortality has always hit me hard but it’s getting harder. 

Haiku - Sept 20

Misting or sweating
Weather against my raincoat
I'm wet either way

Now my hobby is webcomics

I got up this morning with a dull headache and a dull determination to make myself into a super woman today. I went to the basement and changed the laundry! I was going to catch up on work, then go to work, then go to the gym, then maybe back to work, or a visit to the shop, then home to cook a healthy dinner, clean up, and spend time with my fiancé.

So far I’ve read 20 min of webcomics while sitting on the couch in my robe next to a basket of underwear.

Buttered noodles with parmesan cheese

My intention was to come home and start some laundry and clean up the house, take a shower and go to work. It’s been a wreck since I started working a lot and being stressed to the point of breaking. I came home with my hopes up. His car was in front of the house. The front door was open. After calling him I realized he wasn’t home. Then I face planted into my pillow and bit my cheek pretty bad in my sleep. After I woke I had every intention in being in the shower within 15 minutes. Instead I went down and put on some water for a noodle dinner. Now I’m sitting here using the hiccups as an excuse to mix myself a third drink and knowing that without a shower I still have 10 more minutes before I have to leave to go back to work. My spare time was filled with reading a webcomic and listening to really loud punk music.

I suck at being alone.