I WANT TO MAKE ART!! I want to make art for me.. for my
children. I want people to see it and say “what is this about?” and I will say
“This art is about how I felt… how I fell… right now.” I want to be in this
room. This room with the bookshelf I don’t own and the books I’ve never read
and I want to make art. And some warm afternoons I just want to lay on the
floor and read, from a corner I’ve never spent time in.
I used to sabotage my relationships because of my lack of
self esteem. Things going well? Nice guy? Cheat on him! He’s boring! But now..
now everything is wonderful. I haven’t broken a heart for a year! Ok, 10 months
or so…
So my newest fear is: Am I sabotaging my job? Am I not
caring and wasting time and being bitter in order to cheat on my job? Or is
this real?
How can I make decisions if I still can’t trust myself?
No really: I need to get healthier if I’m ever going to
explain to a teenager how being healthy is important. I mean.. really..
I need to feel that magic in life again. When that magic
happens on stage and I know it’s because of me. The piles of paperwork and
computer staring is not magic. The stress and politics has nothing to do with
art.
I’m so sorry I’m wasting October 24, 2011. I want to pass
out and forget. I’m so sorry. I’m actually hoping I’m not sober when I go to
work tomorrow. That means I’ll get out of bed. It will give me a few moments of
“I don’t care,” that I need.
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