Day 3

Day 3

I took my pills at 10:30p, went to bed at 11p. I woke up briefly at 5a and then up at 8a. I woke up and K wasn’t even home yet. After putting him to bed I cleaned the kitchen and found my scarves in the basement. My triumph for the day was actually making my way to the gym and spending more than an hour there with a variety of exercises. Oh, of note is that I took my pulse this morning after waking up. 66. I don’t know of it ever being that low before. So exercising brought that up again.

Today I got a sleepy spell after my shower around 3p. I haven’t had anything to drink tonight. Haven’t even wanted anything. A few days ago I would have pre-games the gym and filled my flask more than once.

I am however a bit weepy about happy stories. And I ripped off a fingernail.

On the radio I heard that it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. I’m on day 3 of taking both my pills and my vitamins. Only 18 more to go!

Day 2

Day 2

I went to sleep around 11:00p. I woke up briefly at 1a and then again at 3:30a when K got home. I was up at 6:51a. And at work at 7:30a.

My mind seems clear this morning. I’m not yawning very much and I’m functioning suitably.

What if this all starts to make me feel boring? Should I build up another version of passionate me from the new boring one? Is the only thing that’s made me excited and passionate my disease?

12:36p

Work has left me bored. I’m refusing to actually look at work because it’s the weekend. And K’s cute face is beckoning me home. I think I might just leave.

10:28p

Day 2 is ending a lot like Day 1. On the couch under a blanket. Without K. Productivity was at a zero. But I’m strangely not as upset about it as I normally would be. And I had a shot and a beer but it really didn’t do much.

I’m counting on tomorrow being an amazingly productive day.

Short by design

Note: I believe I am too accustomed to ingesting information in small blurts. Headlines and status posts along with short articles that are less than a page in length. When I see a longer article or heaven forbid, a book, I shy away. I click onto something else, something with a quicker gratification. Lists are my favorite. I would love a top 10 list with pictures! More than 15 and I’ll start to think they’re tricking me into reading something longer.

And all this coming from someone who grew up reading who claims to love reading. My neglected love Sherlock Holmes would disagree!

Day 1

Day 1

I popped two pills and went to bed at 11p last night. I’m figuring that’s a good mid range bed time for a 30 yr old. I woke up at 4a. I rolled woozily over and thought “I’m not supposed to be awake.” I noted the time and fell back asleep. I repeated this at 7a and finally got out of bed at 8:30a. I remember no nightmares.

K asked me if I was ok. I said no. But I didn’t know what was wrong. I think I said “I just hate today.”

I walked to work. My face was cold and I was angry about losing my scarves and hats and my earmuffs.

Work is practically deserted today. I would feel better if these people worked on the weekends like I do. My 12:30 was a no show until he called at 1p. He’s on his way now. My 1p was apparently cancelled but no one told me and there might not have been on in the first place. I’m going to finished up here and walk home.

9:30p

I’m not drunk. I haven’t had a drink since my one morning shot. These nights are the kinds that inviting the whiskey. I’m home alone and will have to go to bed alone.

Tonight I stared at the TV mindlessly watching mindless television for 2 hours watching the time I had to make something of the night tick away. The weird mood never left me. I wasn’t upset or happy. I was just apathetic.

Right now I’m watching a documentary on the 1930’s and I finished a comic strip. I’m on track to be in bed at 10:30 after slipping two more pills into me.

We’ll see where this takes us.

Haiku - Oct 26

So close to the end
Excited for the moment
Yet just want to sleep

Composing my speech

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor who told me I was bipolar 8 years ago. At the time I thought he was crazy and ran away. Turns out I was the one that was crazy. My decision to seek him out and find him again was in one of my down times when I was just sick of riding this rollercoaster. And more than ever I’m looking forward to my future and seeing that I’m going to need to be a bit more stable if I want to make a family work.

So I thought I’d prepare some speaking points so I don’t spend all of my valuable expensive time rambling about how much I hate my job right now.

-I turned 30 – I now feel a sense of urgency to be happy, make something of myself and make an impact.

-I’m scared as hell that I’m going to pass this crazy on to a baby or just be an awful mother.

-My work that has always been stressful is now not rewarding. Long hours, all the responsibility, no acknowledgment, feeling alone.

-I am drinking too much.

-Is there a drug I can take just when I need it? I’m an expert on self-medicating.

That should lead me to enough to talk about.

I’m nervous and excited and I want to go to the library when I’m finished, or just walk around Oakland.

I wrote this while drinking a lot

I WANT TO MAKE ART!! I want to make art for me.. for my children. I want people to see it and say “what is this about?” and I will say “This art is about how I felt… how I fell… right now.” I want to be in this room. This room with the bookshelf I don’t own and the books I’ve never read and I want to make art. And some warm afternoons I just want to lay on the floor and read, from a corner I’ve never spent time in.

I used to sabotage my relationships because of my lack of self esteem. Things going well? Nice guy? Cheat on him! He’s boring! But now.. now everything is wonderful. I haven’t broken a heart for a year! Ok, 10 months or so…

So my newest fear is: Am I sabotaging my job? Am I not caring and wasting time and being bitter in order to cheat on my job? Or is this real?

How can I make decisions if I still can’t trust myself?

No really: I need to get healthier if I’m ever going to explain to a teenager how being healthy is important. I mean.. really..

I need to feel that magic in life again. When that magic happens on stage and I know it’s because of me. The piles of paperwork and computer staring is not magic. The stress and politics has nothing to do with art.

I’m so sorry I’m wasting October 24, 2011. I want to pass out and forget. I’m so sorry. I’m actually hoping I’m not sober when I go to work tomorrow. That means I’ll get out of bed. It will give me a few moments of “I don’t care,” that I need.

Haiku - October 23

My heart is sinking

It can not love the whole world

Or be free enough

Repetition

My mood is a broken record. Do people even remember what a broken record is? My thoughts keep repeating themselves and I haven’t found anything to break my focus away from the helplessness I’m feeling. My helplessness leads me into a spiral of self-pity. Looking at myself I just want to scream “Quit whining and do something.” I can only assume that’s what he’s thinking most of the time.

I can’t accurately express how I’m feeling in words or any other medium. It leaves me even more frustrated and I end up floundering and getting angry when I try to talk about it.

And my writing sucks.

Please let me leave

I’ve always felt a kinship with the city; the rough pavement and structures that are built from steel and concrete by men in hardhats. The world of the city is solid and stable. It is filled with people commuting. They are commuting to work or commuting to lunch or commuting back home. Home will be out of the city and they get their in traffic in cars or in buses to hide in their apartments. No one is ever just sitting in a city. No one says “Let’s spend a day in the city” without plans and destinations and a wallet full of plastic.

You don’t need to think about yourself or your life in the city because you are too busy. There is just too much to be done, to keep you moving. There is no break and no relaxation in the city.

There are no friends in the city. The interaction is with untrustworthy co-workers or strangers. If there are personal relationships in the city they have been imported and feel a bit alien to the space.

And it’s here that I felt at home. Because no one paid any attention to me. But I was not alone. I could be anti-social in a crowd of people and then I wouldn’t have to spend time with myself. Because my greatest fear is time spent alone with myself.

But now I’m not alone. For the first time I’ve found someone who fills my day and my life and my heart. Now I have no use for the city. The city is loud and busy and my home is quiet and soft.

I’ve found myself becoming increasingly irritated just stepping out of my door. It’s not that I long for the country but I just want some quiet. Thinking about myself isn’t as scary as it used to be and homemaking is even looking attractive.

As for nature, the fresh air and stars and green plants: I’d like to meet them again. I’d like to listen to the world and it hear it breath, not cough.

Where does knowing all of this get me? To a chin that is held up by an elbow on a big desk, day dreaming about gathering my things and heading for the hills.

But really… not anywhere.

Haiku - October 20

There is dark backstage

The gobos spin on the floor

And I feel lonely

Let me outta here

The house doors just opened. I’m just a crew member tonight. It’s comforting. I miss not being in charge for a minute. I miss a lot about my career and the way is started. When I think about it I get really depressed. It’s just not what it was.

I got into this business because I was a misfit and it was somewhere that I felt like I belonged. Now I’m the enemy. The management. Now I’m still the misfit I always was and I love theater like I always have and now I’m pushed out of the click. I’m alone in my world again.

There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of doing something else with my life, finally finding a passion and pursuing it. I think I’m just burnt out, done with this.

These feelings lead me into worrying about money and saving and why it seems impossible. It’s frustrating. I used to survive on so much less. How? How can I get back there?

More writing...

I’m in a conference room with the warm exhaust from the projector blowing on me. It’s 10:08a. I came into the room at 9:43a arms with two laptops, my backpack and a projector. Inside my backpack I had my water bottle and a granola bar. I had packed a meeting survival kit. I rearranged the room for optimal seating so that 8 people could see the wall that I was projecting on. Then I rearranged it, fought with myself a bit, cursed the room, and rearranged it. It’s far from optimal but I think it would work. I don’t think this is the time to try new room arrangements on the CEO. The meeting was scheduled for 10a, just like it always is. I am the only one here, like most times. This time I ducked my head into his office and said “I’m going to go set up the room, is there any specific way you’d like it to look?” He said he didn’t care and that the meeting would be late, probably 10:30 because someone from the something-or-other office was here. The important people needed to meet with them.

I should be doing a lot of things but instead I’m reading an online story with illustrations about two high school best friends. It made me want to write or dream about all of the things I’d rather be doing that sitting in this semi-dark conference room. Think about what it would be like is everyone had one day a week where they didn’t have to think about any of their responsibilities. No deadlines or bills or dirty laundry! Just like when we were kids! When we’re kids we know that adults have responsibility but it doesn’t look all that bad. In fact, we think “Paying a bill isn’t hard.” And it really isn’t. The act of paying a bill is not hard. Make sure you have the money, and write a check. I love pretending I was an adult when I was a teenager. I’d change bank accounts every month to get the best deals, a free mug or .02%. What we don’t realize when we’re kids is the worry that comes with all the adult tasks. It’s the thinking about if I’m buying the right can of soup for the value and cost and taste. It’s the guilt of knowing it doesn’t really matter but I can’t stop worrying about it anyway.

I’m not sure why I was offended when they came in and called my room set-up silly. Then they looked at me and asked why I didn’t jump in. I’m feeling defensive. That’s a bad mood for a meeting. An epic meeting.

Haiku - October 12

Forced poems are bad

Sometimes I don’t want to write

Or do anything

Morning darkness

Dear Doctor,

Still having the same trouble but maybe it’s not so urgent. Maybe it’s come down a couple notches since that tiny wet breakdown. Two night ago I was really satisfied and wanted to go to sleep but with a little nudge I got up to try to get some more work done. I stared at my computer screen, sent a couple e-mails and wasn’t making any progress. Sleep has been horrible and I knew I had to be up in the morning. I felt defeated and useless. So I packed up and made my way to bed, where I started to cry. It was a full out messy face sob fest. Maybe it’s only in my head but I think it helped a little.

Now it’s 7a and I face a day where I’m starting behind and I will get distracted and need to turn my attention to many other things making me abandon my long to-do list and end the day even more behind. Every task I complete will lead to 5 new ones and I have a 4 hour meeting right in the middle of the day.

I’m not holding a ton of hope for today even though it’s the first thing in the morning. That’s when I feel my most optimistic.

Wish me luck.

Dear Doctor 3

Dear Doctor

It’s been a couple days. And I’ve composed many blog posts, essays, and letters in my head. I wish I’d always had a computer at my fingertips and the focus to write it all down. In any event, I’ve thought of a couple of more things.

My fingernails have been destroyed, in fact right now I’ll pick at anything I can. My hands just always want to busy doing something.

Sex has been great and frequent and I can’t keep my hands off of him.

But my focus is still all over the place. I was in the middle of drawing a stick figure when I put it down to finally write this post. I might pick it back up again when I’m finished but more likely I’ll do something else, for a second.

My only saving grace right now is that I’m alone. I don’t have anyone to annoy the hell out of and I don’t have to interact with anyone. It’s better this way. I just need to get myself together for this week.

Do you have anything that might help?

Haiku - October 6

Sun piercing my eyes
I stumbly blindly to work
Each step is unknown

One more thing

Dear Doctor,

It’s me again. I forgot to add a few things. I called my mom today, just to catch up and talk but all the while my head was spinning so much that I couldn’t even carry on a good conversation. I was paying attention but my responses were stunted because there was so much swirling in my mind.

Right now I have dozens of computer windows open and a todo list with 80% of the projects started but not finished. I’m working on a little bit of everything and ending up nowhere.

I’d like this to stop.

Dear Doctor

Dear Doctor,

I think I have super sensory abilities right now. I could smell everything that everyone was having for dinner tonight on my walk home. I also had an acute sense of everything I was hearing. I could feel the breath enter my chest with such clarity.

I’ve felt like this before. I recognize them as good times. I fall in love with life again. I love the sky and this city and every step my legs are able to take. Colors seem brighter and more vivid to me.

It’s like the whole world is more in focus.

It’s these times that I want to create. It’s also these times when I can overwhelm myself easier. I have a lot of ideas and feelings coming at me from all angles and it’s hard to catch one and focus on it. I write more. I talk to myself more. I drink more water.

This started on Monday and now it’s Wednesday. I’ll try to let you know when it stops or changes but it’s likely I won’t feel like writing or admitting.

Am I crazy?

 

A tidbit poem

The world is a scary place tonight: A tidbit poem by me

It’s beautiful out tonight.

The river seems so peaceful.

I wish we were walking together.

Whole bunches of streets are closed.

Officer says “some kind of march”

The world is oddly quiet tonight.

I can hear the voices over a loudspeaker every once in awhile.

Maybe down by the stadium?

I still smell pastries.

I might be losing my mind.

Too many sirens tonight.

And a train is just stopped on the tracks.

A bus almost scared the life out of me.

A young dad was playing hide n seek with his twin 2 yr olds

            In an abandoned mall courtyard

                        In the darkness

Has it been so long since I walked home in the dark?

Haiku - Oct 5

Half moon shines on me
The world is oddly quiet
The future is here

Haiku - Oct 4

A dull ache inside
Gray skies and a chilly mist
I am missing you