Running in place

Some nights I may have the energy to do things but not the focus or desire. I feel like there’s a lot inside of me right now but that I don’t even want to let it out. To let it out I’d have to admit it, acknowledge it, and put it out there right in front of me. It’s like last night…

I spent a majority of last night with a good friend who I’d never called a friend until now. A year ago he became an e-mail penpal and we exchanged lengthy articulate e-mails with an uncommon frequency. We had not known each other beforehand and did not see each other in person. Our relationship was defined solely on the internet and both of us were perfectly happy. It wasn’t until I had a vivid erotic dream about him that our relationship took a different turn. The details of that period in time do no ever need to be written down and frankly, I can not write about what happens when I’m blacked out.

Back to last night. Our relationship is now on it’s third incarnation as we celebrated our one year anniversary. We opened a bottle of wine and sat by candlelight in the kitchen watching the music video for Glory of Love on youtube. He confessed that as a child he pictured that scenario as what adults did. And we proved it true.

Then we began reading our old e-mails, outloud. Yes, we were narrating our own e-mails and laughing at ourselves hysterically. We started right around this time and got the whole way to December 6^th before I slumped over. I was writing to him about how my xmas decorating plans had been sidetracked because my sister cancelled on me. I read this sentence outloud in the dark kitchen: “I also changed out of my pretty argyle xmasdecoratingsweater and into my grubby clothesIworeyesterday cleaning outfit. Now I look as miserable as I feel.” Then I paused, sat up, and unzipped my warm brown fleece. Underneath was my pretty argyle xmasdecoratingsweater. And the realization hit me. My plans for xmasdecorating had not come to fruition that night either.

I was in the exact same position as a year prior. Drunk and lonely. All I dreamed about was putting my xmas tree up with someone I was in love with and a bottle of wine. Listening to music, smelling the festive candle. It’s a silly dream that I need to let go of. It’s been too many years that I’ve just gotten myself disappointed and it’s simply my fault.

I slumped over in my chair onto his leg. My eyes started to leak. All I ask of myself is that I keep moving forward in my life, keep progressing. And there I was, unable to deny that I am just as alone and lonely as the year before. It was a crushing blow.

So I’ve had enough honesty about myself for quite sometime. I think maybe it’s time to pick up a fiction book. Or write one.