Attaching my emotions to kites and letting go

This morning it is windy and gray and the sky is misting a little bit. You don’t dare open your umbrella because the air would immediately flip it inside out, commanding it to remain useless and threatening to detroy it. If I owned the day, I would grab one of my kites and go to the park and offer it to the weather gods for their pleasure. Instead I was walking to work and my only offering was my long red hair which flew around me until I admitted defeat, I had no control. But even with the strong winds, my uncomfortable mood was unable to be blown from me.

So here I sit at my desk, unable to swallow the emotion from yesterday which keeps coming up in my throat. Oh, and I’m waiting for a conference call.

Yesterday I sat down on my living room floor and popped the battery into the old video camera. I spent the next hour skipping through videos from that ominous drunken summer of 2002. At first it was hilarious and I laughed as I remembered all the trouble we got ourselves into. I won’t narrate any of the stories, but I’ll share the video if you like.

Moments later standing in a warm shower I started to think about what happened after that summer. I thought about how the drinking carried into the school year and how it all started to get a bit serious. My mind deteriorated and I found myself spending more time alone in my closet struggling to keep going. I went through all the memories while I stood there and found my mood sinking.

I told my boyfriend as we stood on his porch for a smokebreak. I told him how it felt to see the guy who raped me on tape for the first time in years. I told him how the words that the guy said to me that night were the same ones my ex-husband accidently said to me on night during sex and how I shut down. He asked me if he’d be able to know what he said so that he didn’t say it. I said sure. I tried. They are right there in the front of my brain but I couldn’t get them out. I just couldn’t let them go. My eyes started to well up and he came over and put his arms around me. In a rare moment of emotion, he said he loved me.

The night moved on and ended with both of us falling asleep angry. It was our most fitful night of sleep. We both thrashed and woke up multiple times. I had no idea what I’d done wrong this time but I was correct in assuming it had something to do with my text messages. I think we just got it sorted out so I’m not going to harp on it in hopes of letting it go now.

In fact I’m going to start my work day and hope for the quiet of the walk into work to carry through the day.