When you reach your 13th hour at work and you look behind you and realize that your task list is not much shorter than when you groggily showed up at 7a, your heart sinks a little. I start to review the last 13 hours and figure out where I lost it, where my productivity stopped. I criticize myself for checking my web comics or my facebook too many times. I also think about how many times my phone rang or I heard my name called over the radio, or how many e-mails I bounced around today. I haven’t left the building and have spent most of it behind this big desk.
Knowing that I have at least one more hour ahead of me gives me too options, try to kick some work ass or resign myself to the failure of the day. You’d think the choice of a motivated person would be easy but my energy is gone. My feet are sore from the 3” heels that I wear because my new pants are too long and I haven’t hemmed them. My mind is a bit mushy from the jumble that is the task list looming in front of me. All I really need to do it go through some more motions and finish out the day.
It was nice that the keyboard player came over after I kicked him offstage to open the house. It was friendly of him to say hi and ask what I was doing on my phone. What I was actually doing was texting my boyfriend about how he hadn’t come down and saved me from the night. I quickly got away from that screen. My wallpaper is currently a cute picture of my boyfriend and I, so he said “Aww, is that your man?” “Yep!” He didn’t say it in the “Damn, that’s a shame,” way. He did it in the “That’s cute that it’s your wallpaper way.” I was flattered. I told my boyfriend. He was less than flattered and naturally assumed that not only was this guy about to give me his number and invite me back to the room after the show, but he insinuated that since I didn’t realize this I was leading him on.
I’m tired. I’m not even sure how he wants me to act anymore. Should I ignore someone at work when he’s friendly to me? Do I immediately tell him that I’m taken and to please stop engaging me in civil conversation? Can’t I just be my friendly self? It’s disheartening when you feel like you can’t be who you are or that it would just be better if you didn’t share things with someone you care about. It makes me want to crawl back into myself and shut down for awhile, not let anyone in.
I’ll admit that I’m a bit sensitive right now. I haven’t had the best day and I’m sleepy and want to go to bed. I’d love to go home to someone who would hold me tight and comfort me and put me to bed. My apartment is cold and my fish don’t cuddle. It gets very lonely sometimes. He’s out with a friend so I won’t bother him with needy text messages. I can’t drink tonight even thought it’s the only thing I want to do right now. A couple shots of whiskey will keep me warm and stop my emotions from leaking out of my eyes.
I won’t care as much.
No comments:
Post a Comment