Letters we don't send - 1

Dear Boyfriend,

I miss you. I miss the you from the first week we met. The dead battery, the stars, the long conversations and the impulsive road trip. It was romance and adventure and mystery and everything I wanted to fall in love with. Now I am very far away from you.

Now that I’m in too far to just run away, it’s different. I sit here all day and wait for you to want to see me. It’s a holiday. I have no plans. At any moment we could be together. And I get a “How’s work?” text message.

We moved so fast. We fell head over heels a dozen times and I was certain that moving too fast was ok at our age. We both want to have a relationship, we can skip the waiting part. But all we’ve done is move too fast into the questionable part.

We’re both out of our element. My life is ruled by my moods and emotions and my struggle to control them. I strive for passion and adventure and I want to squeeze out every last bit of life I can. You admit to having emotions but confess that I won’t see them. Why should I need to hear you say you love me? I should know. We have never been close to anyone like who we are with right now. Yet, through the difference and frustration, we’ve never suggested splitting up.

Maybe it’s because we’re at an age when we see the need to find someone and settle down. I’ll readily admit that this year was the first time I thought that settling down would be something I wanted. Now that I know what I want, I’m afraid it’s clouding my vision, clouding our vision.

Being unable to talk to you, posting this to the entire world before I talked to you, is pushing me away from you. I want someone who can’t stand to be away from me sometimes. I want someone to miss me. I want someone to think about the future with me and dream and scheme. I want someone to suck up his manliness and decorate the damn xmas tree with me just because it means something to me.

When that’s not you, I look to fill the holes.

I haven’t found the solution. I haven’t found out how not to be emotional and lonely. If my boyfriend can’t help me, what do I do?

Love,

Your girlfriend.