I wouldn't want to sleep next to me.

Quick! It is 3:44p! Before I start my to-dos and before this mood is gone!

I woke up this morning at 6:00a to my roommate’s alarm. It beeped for another 45 minutes before it was met by a “fuck” and some hurried movements. All the while I laid there with my hands over my ears cursing the interruption of what I thought was a full night’s rest. The truth of the matter was that I was tossing and turning and occasionally kicking and saying “NO!” in my sleep last night.

Sleep has been a problem for me since college. It was then that I remember the nightmares starting. Nightmares happen and are normal but not every night, not the ones I have. The worst one I remember is being chased and when finally caught I had to witness my family’s throats being slit in front of me. Then I experienced the same end and I died. And the overwhelming feeling of nothingness was the most frightening thing I’d ever experience.

I sought help in college. The psychiatrist told me it was separation anxiety or maybe trouble with my relationship. Every Wednesday he would sit across from me and guess at some textbook answers. Every day I would explain why all of the reasons were wrong. I wasn’t in denial. He was just missing the mark. We ended that relationship on a sour note with him explaining that he didn’t want to see me anymore. The nerve!

Since then I still have the nightmares every night. If I were to write a book about the experience it would be titled, “Varying Shades of Nightmare.” They’re not all the same kind or the same severity. I remember them to different degrees but I rarely wake up feeling rested and sometimes I wake feeling like I’ve spent the last 7 hours fighting more battles than I did during the day.

My nightmares are part of the reason I started drinking before bed. If I went to bed drunk or tipsy I would sleep through the night and not remember as much. But it seems as if I’ve worn out that solution. They are just as bad now when I drink. Recently there was a moment of respite when I would sleep next to my boyfriend. Maybe it was the unfamiliar location or the strong arms wrapped around me, but I didn’t get up 2 or 3 times at night. That seems to have worn off as well.

OTC sleeping aids don’t work. Prescription sleeping pills leave me groggy for most of the next day. Drinking has worn off. My next plan of attack is stress management. My optimism and skepticism about the idea have balanced themselves into a “might as well try it” attitude.

That’s better than nothing, right?