Am I lucky?

4:25p

It feels like electricity coursing through my skin. Maybe it is. Electricity generated from anxiety, anger, fear, and every emotion in between that’s filling me up right now. I’m overflowing with no specific goal or target. I can’t calm down. I’m not physically energized, my muscles don’t want to run. There’s no cure right now. There’s nothing to settle me down. I’m not tired, sleep will not ease this. I can physically feel it as I hold my arms in front of me. They aren’t shaking, merely vibrating. I want a drink. What do I do?

8:59p

I realize it’s too late to be eating meatballs with a fork, dipping them in pizza sauce. Wow, it looks even more unhealthy when I type it. (pops another meatball in mouth)

I poorly remedied my recent situation by going upstairs to 3 and watching “American Dad”, “Family Guy”, and “The Simpsons” until 6:30 which is 30 minutes past my approved drinking starting time. I’ve kept to my one drink and hour and it’s not that bad at all. As long as I take 10-15 minutes between drinks I easily stay within my hour. I wouldn’t be in quite as good a mood if I hadn’t gotten a text from K at 6:45p saying he was driving. I immediately got myself together and went to sit on the stoop and wait for him. I had him home a good hour before normal. It meant the world. We had so much more energy and good mood. Not just seeing each other when we’re tired and ready for dinner and bed.

Today was characterized by a lot of mood jumps. I’d go from tearing up at how lucky I was to be alive to screaming death threats at stupid drivers in traffic. Everything was amplified. It led to my 4:25 post and a feeling like there was no pattern at all here.

I feel like I was lucky this time.