Wishing for a manic monday

Today is Monday. Let’s make all the days between my last blog and today a 4. Maybe yesterday was a 3. I had the biggest, longest, and possibly worst blackout of my life on Saturday. I just don’t know my body anymore. I’m trying to shake it off but the shame is sticking pretty heavy this time.

I’m sinking into a 3 today, the immobility is strong and my unhealthy habits are just as strong. As always I feel trapped and helpless and frustrated. I tend not to write because I hate the broken record I am during these times.

I’ve been thinking a little about tracking down some help. I’d like to be able to be involved in some kind of study. That’s in part to my secret vanity. I think someone should study me.

Now I’m done for now.

Fighting for a 5

Yesterday was a 4. Definitely a 4. Which means I’m missing the key number 5. Where di 5 go? Yesterday started out ok, maybe hovering around a 5 in the morning. Then I went to the gym and got measured. After a year of gym membership and 7 months of personal training and hundreds of dollars that I don’t have anymore, I lost 2 lbs and gained a percentage of fat. I bet I still have high cholesterol too. That led to the feeling that the stress and schedule of my job prevented me from being healthy. That led me to the thought that I’ve given so much of myself to my career and it’s given me nothing but a stress disorder. This made me feel bad. Feeling bad led me to eat half a box of mac and cheese and half a bottle of whiskey and top it off with 2 cheesy gordita crunches. Depression achieved.

I told myself today would be better. I’d wake up with fresh energy and a positive outlook. I didn’t. I woke up confused as to what day it was and where K was and if I’d missed my opportunity to make him coffee. I swung in and out of dreams such as the one where I was pushing my little sister to school on a rolling office chair in the snow. It could have been one of my awful nightmares, but it still didn’t inspire my Wednesday.

So it looks like I’ll be fighting today; fighting my way up to a 5. We’ll see how it goes.

Written on Tuesday, posted on Wednesday

This is called bathroom blogging. I’m sitting on the bath mat, leaning against the tub with my feet up on the pedestool sink. It’s not a bad angle.

I didn’t blog on Saturday or Sunday because I was busy and lazy. Saturday was a great day due to selective memory. We went to the Vintage Grand Prix on Saturday morning to see J and check it out. It always amazes me that one of the few exes that I keep in touch with is the one I dumped hours after I married someone else. Oh he got in a few good jabs, like telling K to wait until we get a few more cars to divorce me but all in all it was fun. Then we headed to E’s first birthday. It was the first event where families were mixed and I just felt a little out of place, ok, maybe more than a little. But D got some jabs in too. It was a mini-ex tour. Then off to the in-laws to conclude all awkwardness with a family dinner with both sets of parents. I will remember the humorous moments but selectively forget K and I at each other’s throats for a minute.

Saturday gets a 6.5. Did I do Friday? I think Friday was a 7. Sunday was a firm 6. More productive but approaching normal.

Today I find myself craving some drinking more than normal with low energy. But I’ve kept moving, maybe a 6 or a 5? I did have a bit of an attitude set back after trying on a majorly unflattering dress and remembering my social obligations for Saturday night. My body image is sinking as the weight I’ve gained back sticks to places I’d never seen them before. I’m also a bit concerned that I’m becoming more anti-social than normal. I’m disliking the busyness of the city more and more.

In other me news, Gaslight Anthem’s album comes out today although we can’t download it until tomorrow. I kind of want to get the album, get in my car and go park somewhere where I can see stars with a flask and listen to the whole thing. I think I’ll fall in love and have my heart broken over and over.

I am complicated math

When you go to sleep at 10:00p, your “middle of the night wake up” happens around 12:30a. I was thinking about how that used to be the time we went to bed and there I was, chugging diet pepsi and eating a failed cookie. When I got back into bed I had a hard time falling asleep. Every sound I heard frightened me that someone was in the house. Nightmares rightfully appeared when I slipped back to sleeping and they were nightmares about home invasion. Nice trick mind, nice trick.

I awoke with an odd pain in my upper right arm. Not a muscle pain, more of a nerve pain. I’ve taken some ibuprofen and it seems to be getting a bit better. It’s quite annoying.

I’d classify yesterday as an 8 or 8.5. It’s a progression of the mood that went into the negative feelings more than the creative positive ones. The graph in my mind may need 3 axis. Manic-Depression, Time, Negative to Positive. This is going to get complicated.

Well now that it’s only 7:06a and I’ve finished checking my daily “time waster” websites, I think I’m going to go back to bed and try to nab an hr more of sleep before starting my day.

Am I lucky?

4:25p

It feels like electricity coursing through my skin. Maybe it is. Electricity generated from anxiety, anger, fear, and every emotion in between that’s filling me up right now. I’m overflowing with no specific goal or target. I can’t calm down. I’m not physically energized, my muscles don’t want to run. There’s no cure right now. There’s nothing to settle me down. I’m not tired, sleep will not ease this. I can physically feel it as I hold my arms in front of me. They aren’t shaking, merely vibrating. I want a drink. What do I do?

8:59p

I realize it’s too late to be eating meatballs with a fork, dipping them in pizza sauce. Wow, it looks even more unhealthy when I type it. (pops another meatball in mouth)

I poorly remedied my recent situation by going upstairs to 3 and watching “American Dad”, “Family Guy”, and “The Simpsons” until 6:30 which is 30 minutes past my approved drinking starting time. I’ve kept to my one drink and hour and it’s not that bad at all. As long as I take 10-15 minutes between drinks I easily stay within my hour. I wouldn’t be in quite as good a mood if I hadn’t gotten a text from K at 6:45p saying he was driving. I immediately got myself together and went to sit on the stoop and wait for him. I had him home a good hour before normal. It meant the world. We had so much more energy and good mood. Not just seeing each other when we’re tired and ready for dinner and bed.

Today was characterized by a lot of mood jumps. I’d go from tearing up at how lucky I was to be alive to screaming death threats at stupid drivers in traffic. Everything was amplified. It led to my 4:25 post and a feeling like there was no pattern at all here.

I feel like I was lucky this time.

Traveling is cooler than a baby

I didn’t get to update last night because I was experiencing an all too familiar sinus headache and wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t even want to go up to 3 because it would be warmer up there and he’d smother me so a quick shower and into bed. It was one of my worst nights of sleep in awhile, I tossed and turned and generally felt sick. One more night of awful sleep.

The rest of the day went well though. Another personal training session in the bag with a bit of cardio, lunch with my mom, cucumber shopping and home. I’d say yesterday was an 8.6 because I experienced another symptom. Fear. Just thinking about death in any form can reduce me to short breath, heart pounding and tears. I identified this as one of the reasons for day drinking when I’m up like this. Walking around in fear of the inevitable future is miserable.

I’d also check off “cries easily” on my future check list to track myself. Happy stories choke me up. More than a normal human. This is also miserable but can be escalated by alcohol if I pass a certain point. Then I start thinking about myself and all the floodgates let loose.

In other morning news: Children cost $30,000 the first year they’re alive. I think I’ll just save up for cool camera equipment and vacations. Think of all the vacations and camera stuff we could have!

Will it be an 8?

This morning there’s no time to go back to bed since we were able to sleep a half hour later for K’s schedule. I had a whole big bagel for breakfast and I think I’ll probably regret that at the gym.

Last night I got up in the middle of the night. It’s not unusual, actually it’s unusual to sleep through the night. It’s been this way for months. There’s a lot of research to back up the statement that sleep has a dramatic impact on mood and performance during the day. I feel like I start every day off a little bit crippled by my poor sleep.

To take a quick detour about sleep. Last night was the first night that I couldn’t fall asleep. I had a lot of projects in my mind and I wanted to get up and write them down at least. It’s a classic symptom of the slope into mania. I’d place myself at an 8 yesterday and a 7 the day before. We’ll see if we slope up today or hover around 8. I’d love to chart this to discover patterns but unless I’m over a 6, I don’t have a lot of motivation to keep that going. Just another project that would end in disappointment. All I can do now is take the focus and the energy and make a hard push to get some things done!

I’ll ramble about sleep patterns more later, I’m sure.

Evening spirits

My spirits are high right now. Today started with the omelet and moved into a sweaty session at the gym. Undeniably I am not in very good shape but I know if I work at it, I can get better. I putz away a bit of of the afternoon before hiking 1.25 miles down to the Andy Warhol Museum to meet Justin and his beautiful wife Roxy. She teaches elementary school art and really enjoyed being there. I’ll admit to a few third-wheel moments but overall it was lovely to get out. The walk was a bit hot in the 95 degree weather and it gave me a headache but I felt good at clocking another 2.5 miles to my workout.

Tomorrow I’ve got personal training, lunch with my mom (checking up on me) and then some meatballs to make.

Oh an I want to try some blotting drawings like Andy Warhol did. Need to find my tracing paper!

 

Leftover omelette

This morning I woke up to K’s uncomfortable alarm. He snoozed and as my mind lingered between sleep and awake I thought about how to cook a pepper omelette for breakfast. After the second (or third) snooze, I headed for the kitchen with a dream plan. I was being so instantly productive that I said the “not-so-awake” line, “Why am I moving so fast? What do I think I am? A race car driver… of my legs?” It’s ok. I didn’t know what I meant either.

I’ve got personal training at 9:30a. It’s an appointment; a plan and I can’t miss it. Then I’ve got the third floor to straighten up and the possibility of an afternoon museum trip.

But I’ve got to cut this a bit short if I’m not going to be rushed.

Easy Monday

Things I must get used to: My mom calling me every day to see how I am.

            She can feel when I’m unhappy and knows when I’m unsettled. She doesn’t always have an answer and often times says the exact opposite but I know she loves me more than anything and that she needs to hear my voice as much as I need to hear hers.

: The drinking rules on the fridge.

            No drinking before 6p. No more than one drink an hour. Both are written on the $1 white board on the side of the fridge. I wrote them. I wrote them down around 6:05p, right before I poured myself a small glass of wine.

It was a good day. I wish I could feel as if I had something to do with it but I think I’m just swinging upwards. As much as it should thrill me, it makes me feel just as bad as when I swing down without cause. It’s just another case of me not being in control.

But I’ll take it. I’ll take the cleaned bedroom and clean loads of laundry. I’ll be happy with the stuffed peppers and garlic bread and I’ll dream about my little fluppets making their way into a craft-o-tron machine someday.

A morning start

A routine is a good way to combat the beginnings of daytime depression. If there’s a schedule and a plan then you don’t get as bogged down with “all the things that need done.” I have to try to avoid the paralysis of having so many things to get done that I can’t begin any of them. I often end up napping or eating at that point.

Knowing this, I still didn’t start today with a plan or routine because the opposite side is the guilt from not being able to follow or complete the goals you’ve set yourself. Often the first day is filled with everything you should be able to do. I mean, the day is wide open, of course I can clean the entire house and spend 3 hours on errands!

Instead I’m using some of the inherent morning energy to try out some things. Small task around the house, small breakfast and blogging, then back to housework. Maybe housework til lunch? We’ll see.

I can’t say I’ve been terribly successful but I don’t expect much from myself today. I putz around for an hour and went back to bed for an hour, and instead of blogging during breakfast I looked at a website list of the 15 craziest Halloween costumes. But it’s only the beginning and there’s still some hope left in the morning sun.

Made it through a Sunday

It was good to ease into a new way of living on a Sunday. Sunday’s are slow lazy days and there’s no guilt, even the liquor stores aren’t open. I finished a menu for next week and K and I successfully battled the gridlocked Giant Eagle and only surfaced missing a few items. Dinner was ok with our typical baked chicken strips popping with a bit of curry and hand-ground cumin.

I got some inspiration from a stop-motion animator named Kirsten Lepore and glued some eye balls onto a new Fluppet.

I’m adjusting my thinking to a person who doesn’t have any money to buy anything. Truth is, I’ve only got a couple hundred in the bank and as it stands, no prospects for work. I think I might take a week to myself and then hit it hard. But at least for awhile, I need to just delete those groupons and sales e-mails and stick to doing things that don’t cost money and reusing when I can.

It’s a different balance in our house now, this is the first time he’s had a good steady long(ish) term job and I’ve been unemployed. I’m looking into the future at some challenges that will hit us. Me feeling bitter and resentful about his great career. Me going crazy by myself. Me drinking to not think about things. Ok, maybe those are all MY problems. We’ll see…

It's a new day

It’s 8:20a on a Sunday morning. It’s the first time I’ve sat down to write in months. The last couple months buried under a stress filled drunken haze. There were beautiful highlights like our perfect wedding with family and friends and bubbles and love every way you turned. Even that day could not over power how I had been slowly losing myself for a year, maybe two.

I quit my job on July 5^th, 10 days ago. I was given 4 tickets to the Pirates game that night by the HR representative on the board. Then I cleaned the house and went on our family vacation. We returned early yesterday and I spent that day recovering from a stressful vacation. Today I’m on the couch. I’m only wearing underwear. I’m 31. I’m unemployed. My calendar is empty. I don’t feel lost but I don’t feel optimistic either. There’s a lot to do. A lot I’ve always wanted to do. But there’s also three grand on my credit card.

Where do you start when your life changes so suddenly of your own accord? How do you reconcile jumping without a net? How will I stave off the inevitable craze of being home alone with myself? Who am I and what am I doing?