Haiku - Nov 28

A small round pink pill

Ev’ry night at ten thirty

Just to save my life

Day whatever

Seems like I took a bit of a break from blogging every day about my sleep patterns and mood or anything. I just didn’t feel like it for awhile. I could make a lot of excuses about how I was busy or how I got distracted and it’s all true but if I’d really wanted to sit down and write I would have. Now I find myself writing at work again. My office seems awfully isolated and quiet today. I even snuck some time to finish up a comic.

As far as sleep is concerned the progress I seem to have made was only temporary. The last couple nights have been fitful nights saturated with dreams, mostly negative. You can see the drak circles under my eyes. I don’t know if this has anything to do with dropping down to 1/2C. I’m going to write to the doctor.

When I write to him I’m also going to tell him that the progress with my mood has been pretty startling. I’m on day 32 and I’m feeling like myself but I’m much less excitable. Situations that normally would have turned my stomach and forced my emotional anxiety don’t bother me as much. I’m overall less anxious although I’m hesitant to say I’m less emotional, I was pretty weepy recently. I teared up because I loved Thanksgiving and then again because I love Kevin so much. It makes me silly.

This was the solution I was looking for. Now if I could just manage a good night’s sleep.

Haiku - Nov 20

Everything is fine
I am making my days count
This is long past due

Day 17

Day 17

It’s 12:39a and I’m preparing myself for another night of sleep not much better than last night. Last night it felt as if I only slept every other minute of the night. I woke up very awake every couple minutes or so. I also had a really vivid dream that I gave birth to a baby girl with red hair. I won’t go into the details but it was really scary and really real.

Took my L at 10:30 like a good girl but I don’t think I’ll take the C tonight. It’s too late.

I’ve been feeling amazingly good recently and I’m worried that it’s not the L, it’s the mania. This not needing sleep is an indication of swinging that way. And I’m not as worried about this as swinging the other way but I also know it’s knocking me off of my semi-regular sleep pattern. I was doing so well too!

I’m also thinking about making a graph or some other chart way of keeping track of my sleep other than this rambling blog. What do you say, Excel? Shall we meet tomorrow night? Earlier than this?

Day 16

Day 16

What a restless night. I remember waking up not long after I fell asleep. I was sweating (probably due to the electric blanket) and I sat up and looked at K. I felt really strange, like I couldn’t talk or communicate. He turned on the blanket and I slumped down into the bed. K and I both tossed a turned and I woke up a lot in the middle of the night. I woke up at 7:30 and then fell back asleep until 8:30a.

In spite of that I don’t feel too run down although I could probably go for a nap today after work… which should be… ANY SECOND NOW!!

Taking the L and C in 3 minutes and counting! Didn’t nap, feel productive even if the house isn’t clean and everything I’ve typed today has exclamation points at the end of it.

I’m just generally excited about life. No really, I’m really happy.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. I just feel great. Thank you K&L.

Day 15

Day 15

I didn’t actually get to write this post on Day 15. I was too busy having a ton of fun. But first the basics: the end of Day 14. I had taken the L at 10:30 and passed on C. I knew I was going to stay up late and K and I opened a bottle of wine so I figured that would help.

K had slept all day, 13 hours straight and didn’t wake up until I was almost home. After punching him playfully for making me worry about him we decided to drink some wine, make some soup and then retreat to the bathroom with the rest of the wine, a dozen tea lights and some bubble bath. We went to bed at 1p and I slept pretty soundly.

Yesterday (actually Day 15) was K and I’s first day together in a really long time. We woke up (8:30a) and rolled around in bed for an hr and a half. It was warm and soft and full of laughter. Then we went to Denny’s for our old hangover meal. After that we stopped at a store and I made notes for our upcoming wedding registry. It was fun to play adults but scary when you think that it’s real now.

Luckily we took a break from being adults and went to the Science Center to be kids for awhile. It was really crowded when we got there but thinned out and quieted down by the time we left. We learned that if two adults are playing next to a little kid, that kid is automatically yours. The trip was definitely worth the $3 parking fee.

Then home for a rest, nap, finishing designing and ordering holiday cards, and a glass of good scotch. We were never very far apart.

Dinner was sushi of course even if it was an annoying Friday night. Afterwards we hit the grocery store for paper products and ice cream! Then we ate ice cream on the couch and curled up under a blanket to watch Hitchcock’s 39 Steps.

I remembered to take my L at 10:30 but decided not to take my C cause we were up late. We went to bed at midnight.

Haiku - Oct 10

My forehead’s pounding

Screen blurring in front of me

Please turn off the pain

Day 14

Day 14

So I messed up my pills. I was down to 2 C’s last night and I can’t get anymore until November 18^th. I can’t believe I wasn’t paying attention. At 10:30 I took 1/2C and 1L. Then I waited to get sleepy. I didn’t go to bed until 1:30a again. I’m not even sure why.

I woke up at 7:45a. K wasn’t home yet and I had a splitting headache. It was the same headache that I’ve had for 5 days now. It’s at the front of my forehead and I haven’t found anything to offer relief. At 1p today I took some exedrin sinus but that doesn’t seem to be helping either. I’m taking some more now.

I might try something stronger when I get home tonight.

Day 13

Day 13

Last night was a pretty big fail. I was unproductive, unmotivated, and uninterested. And there just weren’t enough episodes of Criminal Minds on tv. I decided I’d take my L and C at 10p. Then I’d fall gently to sleep on the couch and awake refreshed with all the possibilities of a new day in front of me.

But I couldn’t fall asleep. At all. Then my left leg started flipping out. It was like 2 legs worth of restless leg syndrome climbed into my left leg and wouldn’t let go. I was pretty upset. I started thinking of taking one of the P and that when the confusion came to peak.

I take one L a day at the same time each night 10:30. Got it.

I thought I was to take one C at the same time for relaxing sleep. Actually the instructions said ½ to 1 when needed for sleep. Hmm… I had never taken a half.

I also had a prescription for P. The instructions were identical to C but I’d never taken one.

I wasn’t sure if I could mix them and not die so I struggled with the online walgreens pharmacy chat until I got the answer. I would live.

By this point it’s 1:20a. I ended up getting to sleep within a half hour.

This morning I wake up at 7 because I hear K downstairs. I quickly get up so he doesn’t have to climb that extra set of stairs. I think I get a drink and brush my teeth so I can kiss and then I end up in bed. All of the memories of that half hour are kind of hazy and I don’t actually remember saying anything to K. I just nestled myself in and went back to sleep. I think I finally dragged myself out at 9a and made it to work by 10a.

It’s 12:30 now and I’m cramming granola bars into my mouth to try to satisfy the sweet tooth I’ve had recently. Other than that I feel like a zombie and I can’t wait to go home. I’m figuring out a way to leave early. I’m also having hot flashes.

Day 12

Day 12

At this moment I’m experiencing that time at work when I’m not actually doing anything, I’ve just gotten sleepy and I don’t understand why it’s not the end of the day already. I figured I’d pound on these keys a little bit before I forget everything about sleeping last night.

So last night I took both of my pills at 10:30 and laid down on the couch to finish the episode of Criminal Minds. During that last half hour I decided I was going to sleep upstairs because I hated the bed. I put on my pjs and grabbed an extra blanket and tucked myself in. All the time before I fell asleep at midnight I was sending K random texts that he didn’t respond to. Some of which were:

“I’m going to sleep on the couch. I hate the empty bed.”

“But I don’t think I’ll be comfy anywhere.”

“I want to go out wearing bright red lipstick someday.”

“And I want to go to Mineo’s pizza with you.”

“And I want to make out in a pool with you. Before the end of the year.”

Two hours later and received in the morning I get:

“Ok!”

“Friday?”

Apparently Friday plans are putting on some crazy lipstick, eating pizza, and then jetting out to Vegas. Sounds good to me!

This morning I woke up as K crawled on top of me on the couch. I didn’t know who he was or what time it was or where I was. I was all kinds of confused. There wasn’t even any drinking last night. My week is still a bit confusing. It feels like Friday and yesterday felt like Friday and the day before felt like Friday too. My mind was ready for a weekend and I’m depriving it of one. Just 2 more days and I get a day off!

My cold seems to still be holding me back although I was hungry for a little bit today which means I must be feeling better. I still want to be back at home on the couch sleeping though.

Day 11

Day 11

I just don’t feel very good today. I’ve got the same nagging forehead headache that I’ve had the past 2 days. My nose is more stuffed up. I think the cold is starting to win the fight I’ve been waging on it for weeks. I really want to be back in bed sleeping right now. I feel a bit run down. I also woke up feeling a bit sad. Maybe it was because I was getting up just as K was opening the front door from getting home. Maybe it was the miserable loss to the Ravens last night.

Since getting to work almost 2 hours ago I haven’t done much. I really need to keep on top of things. This is my chance to stay caught up on work.

And now it’s 9:40p. I left work around 4:15p. I didn’t want to be there when the Town Meeting started. I took a nap for an hour. I made a half assed attempt at a grocery run, got some good things but I didn’t feel satisfied. Still a bit run down.

I don’t feel bad, I just don’t feel like doing anything right now. I don’t even feel like going to bed or eating anything.

Actually, I don’t feel like writing this anymore.

Day continued

It’s 11:27. I took C at 11:04 and L at 10:44p. I’ve kept track of 4 drinks (pints of vodka and orange juice) and 2 loads of laundry. I made dinner for 3 people and I didn’t spend the whole night alone. I feel it’s success. Now only if the Steelers will pull out a win in this game. It’s close.

Today was a bit surreal at work. We finished up a pretty big dance festival and everything went well. We were prepared, we rolled with the punches and we had an audience. I don’t want to sound like nothing ever goes well but nothing ever goes this well. I joked about quitting tomorrow morning to end on a high note but I almost thought about it. This was good. This was what we deserved the whole time. We deserve this kind of success.

And while I’m celebrating, I’m also realizing now that no one will see what happened. They won’t realize how good this was, how smooth, how professional. But I’ll know and I’ll remember.

Day 10

Day 10

Yes. I have taken the pills (at least the L) on time for 10 days now. Last night I remembered right at 10:30. However I then started drinking and took my C at 11:30 and then I stayed up until I fell asleep on the couch at about 1:30. It was daylight savings time and I woke up on my own at 6:30a with a stupid headache. I took some ibuprofen drank some water and went back to bed. Not having to work until 12:30 meant that I could have gotten up and hit the gym before work since I didn’t make my self imposed 3 times last week. Instead I stayed in bed and waited for K. Then I clocked another 2 hrs of sleeping. I still have a headache and I’m a bit yawny but other than that I’m feeling ok!

Day 9

Day 9

And so day 9 is here. Last night I did as much wrong as I could. I drank before bed. I went to bed late. I took my C late. I ate too much food…late. And I paid for it. The nightmare included a child getting impaled on a bit pointy stick. I remember asking K what emeritus meant this morning because in my dream it meant the Japanese tradition of hitting people for their own good. As I was driving to work I also remembered that I had to call someone because the dancers said it was too cold onstage and there was also some random dancing. I was dancing. I’m not going to say that dancing in my dream balances out the child torture but it’s a step in the right direction as far as nightmares are concerned. I also find my subconscious infusing my dream with a bit of romance. I’m going to chalk that up to missing K a lot.

Speaking of K, we had another amazing 30 minutes together this morning. It amazes me how much happiness, love, and laughter we can squeeze into 30 minutes. The 30 minutes between me waking up and him falling asleep.

I know it sucks right now but part of me is really proud of us. We are really strong.

I hate Tom Cruise

It’s 11:14p and I just sat down at my desk after an exhausting day to write about my progress and gasped out loud when I realized I’d forgotten my 10:30 pills. I took the L but the C has to wait until we get home so I’m not too tired to drive. Speaking of: I think I’ll go get the car.

So then I went and got the car and on the way I got a text from K saying he was across the street and wanted to see me. You see, he’s been on the night shift for a bit now and we don’t get to spend any time together anymore. So I hurried to the car and then hurried back then rushed out the door. He wasn’t on Liberty anymore so I dropped down to Sharp Edge, right at the edge of where I could be. And I stood. And I texted. And I waited. And if you know me then you know waiting is one of my most anxious times. There was no response. I ended up getting the courage to walk over to the PA’s who’s job it is to stand by the bike rack and not let any of the drunks through. I made some chit chat with them about meal breaks and they even offered to find K, but they didn’t know him. So I reluctantly walked back got the car and went home. I’d gotten my hopes up and inadvertently crushed myself. On the ride home I held back the tears, who was I to cry over not seeing my love when so many people around the world are separated from theirs. What right do I have to cry when so many people in the world will never find a love like this? Then I felt guilty.

And now? Now I’m sitting in the kitchen with one really strong cocktail. I took C at midnight. I’ve also got a pot of water boiling with some tortellini in it. The smell of bacon when I got home made me hungry for real food and I realized I forgot a meal today. All of these factors will effect tomorrow’s entry….

Haiku - Nov 4

Room of cinderblock

Fluorescent lights buzz above

Computer screen stare

Day 8

Day 8

The thing about taking my pills regularly at 10:30 (which I did again last night) is that what happens when at my 11p bedtime another episode of Criminal Minds comes on and I haven’t seen it? Well last night I decided I’d stay up and watch it. I am the master of my own bedtime! And then I quickly slid off into a light slumber. I woke at 11:58 and went down to another empty bed.

I was up at 6:45a with a decent night’s sleep. I woke up once at 2:17a. I don’t remember dreaming. At 6:45a I thought I heard K get home and I was lucky when he climbed into bed at 7:20a, 10 minutes before my alarm went off. I changed my alarm to 7:50 and had an amazing 30 minutes of his arms around me.

Today is a long day at work but the days don’t seem to be bothering me as much. I’m more relaxed at work. I’m still eating ok and not drinking as much. How exciting if I could drop our liquor budget down a notch!

Day 7

Day 7

Last night I stayed on schedule and 7 days of taking them at the same time and going to bed at the same time seems to be a miracle. But it was also the first semi-restless night. I remember moving a lot and waking up a little every time I repositioned. It was also the first night that K was back with me. I’m trying to remember but I fairly sure that it’s been 7 days since that too. I wish I could look into this more but tonight will be back to the same empty bed for awhile again.

I’m always hesitant to say I’m feeling better because there are so many factors to how I’m feeling that I never feel confident attributing an improvement on one. I can say right now that I feel more balanced than I’ve felt in awhile. A long while. I’m getting interested in things again. There’s been a quick social media spurt. I’m keeping up with a routine. I’m also not eating horribly and I’ve been drinking in moderation! The one bad habit that hasn’t stopped is biting my fingernails oddly enough.

I’m wary, I’m cautious but I’m feeling good.

Day 6

Day 6

My pills were a bit later last night. I didn’t get to take them until 10:45p. Then I ate some hummus and went to bed. Woke up at 6a with my alarm but then snoozed until after 7a and has to rush getting up. I remember some dreams but nothing that stands out as affecting my day.

“Do you feel different?”

It’s a question I was asked this morning and that I ask myself every day. It’s a very hard one to answer.

[And that’s when I had to go work and never returned to this blog post – To Be Continued…]

Day 5

Day 5

I took my pills at 10:30 but went to bed at 11:30. I had a couple vodka and pepsis before bed. Probably 3 or 4. I was tipsy but it wasn’t the same. I wish I could have explained it a bit better last night.

Woke up with my alarm at 7a this morning. I’m a little more yawning that I had been bit the biggest change is that I had a really vivid dream. A slightly erotic dream as well. It about someone I had worked with on a show recently. He comes across as kinda geeky and wear glasses. But yesterday someone posted a video of him. He’s a competitive breakdancer in his spare time and doesn’t wear glasses. That’s probably why he was the star of my dream. We took a trip to Maine together and stayed at a resort type hotel in the mountains. He was flattering and romantic but I wasn’t into it. I kissed him on the cheek for being sweet but nothing more. It was a very vivid dream and I remember wanting to go skinny dipping.

Today I’m starting to lose focus with all that needs done but I think I can hold on. I’m going to have some lunch now and then go to the bank.

Thx Day 1

This projected was suggested by a friend and inspired by ThxThxThx.

Day 4

Day 4

Went to bed at 11, woke up at 7:30, without K for another night. No dreams. Maybe I should start to count those days. Today I jumped and went to work at 9 and stayed until 1p. Then I went to run “errands” which actually meant coming home and switching the laundry. In my defense I tried to get new mop heads but parking was abysmal and I was frustrated.

I’ve had a couple drinks tonight. Maybe 4. I want to stay up some more and watch stupid TV all night but it’s almost 11 and I’ll probably go to bed on time.

M is staying with us tonight, maybe for the week. We’ll see how long it lasts. K says it’s nice that I won’t be alone and I told him I like being alone. Right now I do.