I believe I pushed my happiness a bit too far. I let it control my life for a moment and I’m now suffering the consequences. Main consequence today: guilt. In order to try to fulfill my own New Years fantasy, I let a good friend wait for me at midnight and never showed. I also got too intoxicated while at work. This is unlike me. I am selfish but I’m not that selfish. I can be relaxed at work but not irresponsible. Maybe I can blame the liquor but it really all comes back to me and my decisions.
I’m not sure how to reconcile this to myself. Everyone that knows me knows that I am harder on myself than anyone else. And my friend said it was ok but it’s not ok. How do I punish myself?
I suppose this sour mood that is ruining my day is my reaction. I’m sitting in front of the tv watching the beginning of the Winter Classic that is taking place at Heinz Field right now. I really wanted to be there. I really wanted to go or be a part of it. I wanted to see the alumni game, I wanted to go ice skating on the temporary rink. He’s there right now with Kara. I’ve been getting updates all day but not a single “I wish you were here.” I’ve never gotten one and now I never will from him. Now we’re “just friends.”
I not so secretly hope that his seats are horrible and it rains and we lose. I want him to be miserable. I want everyone to share in my misery for a moment.
I’m being selfish and horrible again. I feel like I want to hook myself up to a machine that pulls all my blood out, cleans out the negativity, and puts it back in. Yes, I need new blood. Or something…
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