Sometimes I just feel lonely. Don’t get mad. Lonely isn’t something you just feel when there’s no one around you. Sometimes you can feel lonely when everyone is around you. Tonight is a holiday jazz show at my place of employment. There will be almost 500 people in the holiday spirit sitting and listening to some of the best jazz performers in the city. It will be a joyous festive atmosphere. It’s the last big show I need to worry about and everything will run smoothly. I work somewhere where my co-workers are friendly and care about me. In fact, nothing is wrong.
Yet I feel isolated amongst the crowds, alone in my thoughts and feelings; desperate to feel close to someone, to share myself. I want to hide in the shadows tonight because I know there is no hiding the sadness in my eyes. I can not pretend to be happy and gracious tonight. I just don’t have it in me.
How did I end up in this position? I’ve simply always been in this position. Varying shades of lonely. At times I have felt that I’ve had a kindred soul close to me in spirit if not in location. It was their proximity to my heart that mattered, which comforted me. Those instances turned out to be false and my trust in them has diminished.
Now I am not searching for another but determined to find my solitary peace. It’s a matter of survival now.
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