I could easily wallow in self-pity right now. Just vomit how much I hate myself into this. How disgusted I am with who I am. How much I've made myself and the man that I love hurt.

It's all true. But I had a thought today. I could have lied. I could have ignored and lied and kept drinking myself into oblivion. But I didn't. I risked (and still risk) losing it all to be truthful.

I was a different person when I made that decision. A different person from 10 or even 5 years ago. And today I'm an even different person. We don't know how this will change us but right now it looks grim.

There was love lost and trust shattered, lifestyles changed, and a hurtful reminder for the rest of our lives.

I won't ever forgive myself for what I've done. I just hope I can handle that.