I just need to make it

This week will be a challenge. It might end up in a knock down drag out fight, with someone. It could be with myself. It will most certainly take everything I have to keep going. I will daydream and try to eat healthier. It will be tough.

September is almost over and I think if I can live through this week, it will have been a productive month.

A few drops here and there

I just watched 4:43 minutes of a 5:17 minute video about 50 people answering the same questions “What’s your favorite memory?” By the end I was tearing up. I was sad at these people’s happiest memory. I’d be sad at my own if I took the time to pick one out. The reason is that a memory is gone and it will never happen again. It’s like when the leaving start to change and die. That leaf will never exist again.

…

And now, hours later I let a few tears drip out after reading a story about a man and wife adopting a baby right before he died.

Mortality has always hit me hard but it’s getting harder. 

Haiku - Sept 20

Misting or sweating
Weather against my raincoat
I'm wet either way

Now my hobby is webcomics

I got up this morning with a dull headache and a dull determination to make myself into a super woman today. I went to the basement and changed the laundry! I was going to catch up on work, then go to work, then go to the gym, then maybe back to work, or a visit to the shop, then home to cook a healthy dinner, clean up, and spend time with my fiancé.

So far I’ve read 20 min of webcomics while sitting on the couch in my robe next to a basket of underwear.

Buttered noodles with parmesan cheese

My intention was to come home and start some laundry and clean up the house, take a shower and go to work. It’s been a wreck since I started working a lot and being stressed to the point of breaking. I came home with my hopes up. His car was in front of the house. The front door was open. After calling him I realized he wasn’t home. Then I face planted into my pillow and bit my cheek pretty bad in my sleep. After I woke I had every intention in being in the shower within 15 minutes. Instead I went down and put on some water for a noodle dinner. Now I’m sitting here using the hiccups as an excuse to mix myself a third drink and knowing that without a shower I still have 10 more minutes before I have to leave to go back to work. My spare time was filled with reading a webcomic and listening to really loud punk music.

I suck at being alone.

Haiku - Sept 10

Oh Kevin Bacon
You can rock my stage tonight
Come back anytime

Haiku - Sept 9

Drive tonight alone
It will give you time to think
Remember yourself

Couch office

Shhh.... I'm supposed to be at work right now. But no one has seemed to notice so I'm going to go with it. Inevitably I'll go in at some point but I don't plan on staying all day. It's just a bit too nice to be on the couch at home with him and I wasn't feeling well last night and I'm working a really long day on Saturday... blah blah... rationalization...

I just need a rest from the stress and everything else. And I like to enjoy this house.

And I've just decided I'd like a chalk board instead of a white board.

Haiku - September 7

Much to think about
And I have meetings all day
No time for a nap

I'm not complaining...?

There are a lot of important issues to think about this week and I just don’t seem to be in the right mindset. I’m exhausted from traveling this weekend and my sleep is all off kilter. My diet has been whatever I feel like eating whenever I feel like eating it. Watching me climb back up to my heaviest hasn’t even stopped me. The added weight makes me feel ugly and weak and although I’m craving the gym, it seems that the time to get there has disappeared. It took with it the time to create and dream and snuggle and clean.

Wedding planning has gotten better ever since we decided to get off of our asses and look around rather than just debating everything in a vacuum of information. We’ve looked at 3 very different venues and they all have pluses and minuses. Time to pull out the big white board!

Work has calmed down to a state of quiet acceptance. I’m trying to focus on doing my job the best I can. I’d be able to focus on that much more if the option of going back to my last job hadn’t presented itself. Now I’m constantly analyzing what is the better decision and where my future is headed.

These two biggies have enough thoughts chasing each other around my head that there’s hardly any room for the work I need to be doing today or the laundry or cleaning or projects of any kind. I can’t relax and when I talk about my issues they come out so jumbled that it’s frustrating for anyone who has to listen to me.

Oh and while I’m at it. I’m tired and fat.

Haiku - September 1

Time to be valued
I'm no longer your servant
I will live for me

I don't need you

I’ve spent a lot of my life being wanted and not valued. Most of the time I would lie to myself and equate the two. But there is a difference, a significant difference and now I know. One stunning success story is my personal life. For so many years I held on to the feeling I got when someone wanted me, it was that situation that gave me the small feeling of worth I had. The difference now is knowing that there is someone who values me, not just craves me, but knows that I am worth a lot. Does this mean that my worth is dependant on others feelings? Oh my, this isn’t going where I wanted it.

Recently I heard that my last job, which I left because I was totally miserable, finally got rid of the person who was making me miserable. I wanted to scream from the roof “I told you so!!” But I didn’t. I heard that they wanted me back. I was honored. My friend said I should ask for a letter of apology.

So tonight I received a call from my former boss. He told me that wanted to hire me back as my old title. Partime. No teaching. No designing. No students. Nothing that was important to me. Then he said that other people were trying to start a tech department. I HAD a tech department and they destroyed it. He told me I could bring back all the people who used to help us. I could hire back the old students.

They want me back but they don’t value me. What an offensive offer! I need to be strong and stand up for myself.

Back to Life - Back to Smoothies

Back to Life – Back to Smoothies

And without any warning, things got better. No, not things, I got better. The first day was Monday. I noticed on Sunday that I’d stopped biting my nails. (A mtg Monday ripped off 3 though). On Monday I didn’t want to drink. Everything just switched to “better.” Same as always. Started taking care of myself more, eating better, more focused…yada yada yada. So now I’m good. And I made two smoothies this week:

Smoothie 1:
1 banana
½ c yogurt
1-1/2 c frozen strawberries
1T flax seed oil
1/2c orange juice
3/4c crushed ice

Ended up really good.

Smoothie 2:
1 banana
½ c yogurt
2 c frozen strawberries
1T flax seed oil
1/2c almond milk

Tasted like a milkshake, really good!