I'm not as still as the water

“It’s all happening.” I can here him typing numbers and letters and now they’re in color and at the end of it all the website looks different. And I sit here and my heart is getting closer and closer to spilling out of my chest. For the brief second that I was a rockstars girlfriend, it was everything they say it was. Traveling, booz, music, and that feeling when you’re at the place where so many people dream about being.

And it all seems fitting as I sip a bottle of vodka from the top.

And I wouldn’t change where I am for the world. Because now it’s a new adventure and I’m terribly exciting to begin and to keep going.

You see, I’ve got big adventures coming. Getting married to my true love! Having a baby! But I still like to remember the time that a parking spot was drawn out behind Keith Urban’s tour bus that said “DJ’s Girlfriend” in it. And the acceptance to the fact the I was the girlfriend of a married man.

And sometimes I feel stupid and that I can’t do enough. I’m sitting here fucking around with a picture and he’s still juggling number and letters. And I don’t understand it. And so maybe I’m just not going to understand.

And… sometimes I get an idea and I stand up quickly and I move to the left and I trip over my backpack; So I throw it. But then I realize it might have been my bra that tripped me so I violently throw it towards the discarded backpack.

And then I realize how dizzy I am. And it registers as a mix of guilt and nostalgia. And I totally acknowledge the headache and nausea that tomorrow brings. And if I could I would start driving now and stop when I found nice people and a nice place for us to live.

And my selfishness is amplified.

So my guilt is amplified.

And I become aware of my surroundings……

Tomorrow is a full day of work, and the laundry I didn’t do, and the cleaning I didn’t do.. and the future…. And he’s stilling typing letters and numbers…

And “It’s all happening.”