Haiku - July 28

Morning energy
And a rare optimism
In spite of the day

If I was a housewife we'd have tacos for dinner 3 times a week.

Today’s smoothie was two pieces of toast. I just didn’t have much of an appetite and didn’t feel like making anything this morning.

Yesterday I spent the day being a housewife. My fiancé was working 8a – 7p and since I didn’t have meetings, employees or interns to watch I felt staying home and “working from home” would be more productive. I did only a smidgen of job work and the rest of the day I spent cleaning the house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and cleaning out the car. Then I prepped dinner and had everything ready. We had 3 guests over for tacos and didn’t end up going to banjos. It was a nice time and a successful day.

I’d be a really good housewife for one day. Then I think I’d turn into a drunken maniac.

Today red list is at 37 which is a big staggering.

Haiku - July 27

Already miss him
As I look around the room
Will be a long day

Smoothie Diary

Dear Diary:

Big news: We bought a blender! Total impulse buy at the kitchen store but it was only $15. It really makes a huge difference. Now we can add ice to our smoothies and still drink them out of a straw. It also takes up less counter space and is easier to clean.

Yesterday’s smoothie which I have affectionately nicknamed: Subtle Smoothie

I set out to use the subpar pineapple juice and the rest of the coconut milk. I thought those two ingredients would add a tropical flavor and since we didn’t have any of the canned fruit yet, it was all I had. I used the standard banana, 1/2c yogurt as a base and added 1/3c coconut milk and 1 c pineapple juice. It didn’t taste like much at all. Even my 1T of wheat germ didn’t make a difference. So I added a splash of orange extract thinking it would help. It didn’t. So I added another banana. That helped a little. Then I gave up and poured it into my fancy new smoothie glass. Then I was left with the other half which I gulped straight out of the blender while I finished getting ready. And somewhere in there was 2-1/2 c of ice. Cause I was excited about being able to use ice.

I had called the experiment a fail but I drank the whole thing and it wasn’t so bad.

Note about my taste in smoothies: I have done a bit of self exploration and analysis about my quality scale for smoothie taste. A few facts will help you understand as I do. I don’t like smoothies. I don’t ever order them anywhere and I’ve never craved them. I don’t eat fruit. Ever. So fruit smoothies are against my natural tastes.

I started making them to get healthier. Now I can gulp down at least 2 servings of fruit and a 1/2c of plain yogurt and not see it as torture. What’s keeping me going is the experimenting. And maybe the awesome blending action.

Now I sit here sipping this morning’s creation:

1c frozen raspberries
1 banana
½ c yogurt
1c pineapple juice
2c ice
1T wheat germ (still hiding it in there)
¼ c Trader Joe’s Green Protein drink (gross!)

I guess it’s pretty good. I still wish it was a milkshake instead.

Sunday Morning Cartoons

No smoothie yet today but it took a great bit of willpower to get out of bed today, get dressed and actually make it to the gym. My sister was still in bed as I drove over to her apartment to pick her up. As she walked to the car I could see she was still sleeping. She also forgot socks. If we had been going bowling she wouldn’t have been allowed to rent shoes. Luckily there were two mismatched socks in my trunk and she was suddenly the most fashionable racquetball player at the gym.

The thing about playing racquetball with my sister is that we can be hilariously bad and never feel defeated. I also got to hit something really hard, which helped. I used to focus my anger towards working out, punishing my body for my mind’s weaknesses. I just need to find that mindset again.

Now I’m sitting on the couch, watching Formula 1 on the big TV. I’ve finished one drink and still need to shower. Still to come: Seeing my fiancé, showering, Hubble Omnimax and dinner!

Update on my morning smoothie

How the smoothie turned out:

6 or 7 strawberries
1/3c blueberries
2/3c raspberries
1c orange juice
1c crushed ice
1T wheatgerm
3 splenda packets
3/4c yogurt

I think this was my best one yet. However there was a bitter aftertaste and I can’t quite place where it came from.

On Sunday my sister and I are going to play racquetball then I invited her back for homemade smoothies. I’m thinking I’ll make them with the pineapple juice and other tropical things.

Haiku - July 22

Have to finish this
To complete it on my list
And be done today

Smoothie Update

Smoothie update:

Today is Friday. That mean’s Wednesday’s smoothie was back to berries.
1 banana
¾ cup raspberries
¼ cup blueberries
¾ cup orange juice
¼ cup coconut milk
½ cup yogurt
3-4 strawberries
1 T wheat germ

It was pretty good and lasted me almost 2 hours including the walk to work. However the food processor doesn’t grind down the blueberries as much as possible.

Thursday’s Smoothie went traditional. Strawberry banana.
The last banana
8-9 strawberries
1c orange juice
½ cup yogurt
1 T wheatgerm
2 splenda packets

Good but it didn’t make as much so it didn’t last as long as wasn’t as filling.

Today we’re out of bananas. So I’m going to throw in the rest of the berries and orange juice and maybe more yogurt or whatever else I can find in the fridge.

I'm feeling a 1.5

I feel horrible. I want a drink or 6 or just one percoset. I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to be able to focus and be productive and move forward. I want to feel refreshed in the morning. I want to want sex more. I want to exercise.

I have everything I can ever ask for. A good paying, secure job, a beautiful house to live in, and a fiancé who is my best friend and lover and a wonderful future. If only I could feel better about it all. Or figure out the problem so that I could fix it. Or explain it.

Shakey morning

This morning’s smoothie was not a success:

The recipe:
• 1 banana
• 1/2 cup silken tofu
• 1/2 cup soymilk
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tablespoon honey

The actual preparation:

1 banana
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
No honey so I just put in some sugar
½ c coconut milk
½ c nonfat yogurt
wheatgerm
flax seed

Too chocolatey. Didn’t freeze the bananas til firm. Grains make it chewy. Couldn’t sip it through the straw, had to borrow his coffee mug.

Gulped it down on my walk to work and probably won’t try that one again for awhile.


My morning has been unsettling so far and it’s only 8:38a. I had disruptive dreams about finding my wedding dress and Alex and my ex-husband’s father. None of it made much sense and it’s hard to describe how a night full of these kind of dreams can upset a morning. I walked slowly to work and now that I’m here I just want to go home and hide in bed, but I don’t want to do that either because sleeping would only bring more uneasiness. I’d like a reboot button or something to get me headed in the right direction today.

Recipe for a Monday Night

Homemade Smoothie – Take 1
Otherwise known as: “The Night of Messy Projects”

Why? Cause smoothies are supposed to be delicious and filling and good for you and I need more fruit in my diet like crazy.

I put in:

Orange juice – a cup and a little bit

Nonfat plain yogurt – nonfat is the key, plain yogurt is awful, ½ c but I spilled some over the top, then scooped it up with my hand

Frozen raspberries – ¾ cup, then I put in more when he told me he couldn’t taste them

1 banana – only dropped one piece

Frozen strawberries – only a couple cause they were huge ice cubes and still had the green on them

Sugar – not brown sugar or raw sugar, just white sugar. A small handful.

Then I threw in some crushed flax seed for healthiness.

And some wheat germ. Cause that would have cost an extra $1.50 at the smoothie bar.

Then I hit GO. On my food processor. Cause I don’t own a blender.

Then it jumped around and went crazy and spit all kinds of stuff out of the top which I didn’t plug or hold down.

Then I got a little mad, then I laughed. Then I finished it.

And… it was ok. Flax seed is crunchy.

While I was doing this, he was baking sand to put in the tank for the new hermit crab house. Baking for hours. I mean, he came close to beating one of my sugar cookie baking nights. There is sand everywhere.

Then I decided to plant some seeds. Only a few months late. And I got dirt and mud and water everywhere. And they probably won’t sprout anyway.

Then I did the dishes. Which is messier than you’d think. And the stove is still pretty gross.

Oh yeah! I made dinner! Fresh pasta from Penn Mac with portobella mushrooms, diced tomatoes, spinach and fresh basil. That was messy too.

Now he’s cranky but cuddly which means it will probably be a messy night!

This almost worked

This is simple. I lacked motivation and energy and focus. It becomes 12:30 at night. I am home alone for at least another couple of hours. The TV is boring. The house is hot and sticky. I am going to go crazy.

I take 2 Tylenol PM and at 12:45 I decide to start writing. Because now, I have a deadline. I have until I fall asleep. Ironically, I also just found a TV show I am interested in watching. I also turned on the air conditioning.

It appears that the TV might win.

Afternoon flow poem