The thing is, I wasn’t ready for change. Maybe I didn’t see it coming or maybe I wasn’t used to noticing it. But the truth is, my world is different now and I’ve got to come to terms with that. My mother turned 60 today. My parents are aging. My father may never work in the field that he loves again. My body isn’t as fit or lean as it used to be. I’ll never work with Leo again. Money is more than something I need for right not, but something I need for my future. My never ending dreams of running away are running away from me this time. I packed up my identity as a MPDG as something in the past. My sister will be engaged by the end of the year and moved to Chicago. I won’t ever travel as much as I used to.
I’m growing up. I don’t necessarily hate it. This isn’t hate I’m feeling, maybe a little bit of fear or desperation. I need to turn it into motivation. I feel a need to have something to show for my life.
So far I’ve been going along relatively peaceful. The only chances I ever took were fueled by mental illness masquerading as passion. I’m working in a theater because it’s the only thing I’ve ever known. I live in Pittsburgh for the same reason. I’m 30 and I still have no clue what makes me happy or who I am. My identity is so convoluted and contradictory that I’m not sure I even know how to end this sentence.
Or this blog post. I wish there was someone with advice. I might actually be old enough to start listening this time.
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