I had it all figured out at 16.

I was uncontrollably distracting myself from my dirty dishes and 16 red items when one of my mindless clicks left me looking at a picture of a piece of notebook paper in a three-ring binder with words drawn on it, covering it’s entirety. Words including University and Dream and Depression. This wasn’t an assignment or a piece of art for the wall. It was one freshman girl’s way of taking thoughts out of her mind and putting them in front of her, to make them more real or more confrontable.

Four or so clicks later someone had posted a clip of Ani Difranco reciting one of her spoken words pieces. Those used to be called poems. The combination of those two triggers in close proximity brought me back to high school, listening to her folky words and her hands strumming my angst for me. I wrote a rambling poem about my first boyfriend at 15 and I would read it out loud to no one in Ani Difranco’s style. Sometimes I still read my unwritten poems in my head in that style. But not often anymore.

The lady at the doctor’s office rushed in to take my temperature and blood pressure. She said “Wow, I can’t believe it’s April 6^th already.” Right before she stuck the thermometer under my tongue I snuck in “Time’s moving faster because we’re all too busy.” 120 over 80. Whatever that means.

It all comes back to how we decide to spend our days. We lost four months and six days since the beginning of this year and what are we showing for it? We’re never caught up enough to enjoy a moment just sitting. I say “we” but I just mean “me” and I’m secretly hoping there’s other like me out there.

Even when I sit all of those bills and to-dos and e-mails stick to the walls inside my brain. It’s been a long time since I sat down and cleaned it out in there. Took everything out and placed it neatly on a sheet of paper, making sure all the words had a place. I have spent years avoiding myself and now I don’t have the time to spend with me anyway.

I want to doodle on a notebook paper or write an angsty poem about turning 30 or maybe just rock out to some Ani.

But that will have to wait until the gift bags are made and the cookies are baked and the e-mails are sent and the bills are paid.