The internet is a bad boyfriend

I’m having trouble dating the internet. The ‘norm’ is that I’m alone from 7:30a – 8:30p. That alone is broken up by bits of cordial small talk. If I’m lucky a half hr of it is taken up by me paying a lot to talk to my personal trainer. But I’m still acutely aware that every sentence counts for more seconds that I’m not working out. It doesn’t pay to talk your way out of push-ups even if she pretends she’d listening. Occasionally I get a quick glimpse of humor interaction like the nice girl who asked if I had a Giant Eagle card she could use yesterday.

No matter how you look at it, most of my day is spent looking at the same screen I’m typing into right now. I check my facebook a million times, and all those stupid meme sites and my homepage more times than I’d like to count. It’s a shallow relationship.

So I started watching Better Off Ted on Amazon. I love the show and it’s illicited the most real laughter in months. The tragedy is that it was only on the air for 2 seasons and in 3 episodes it will be the harshest break up I’ve had for some time. I count on the characters to make me happy when napping and red bull isn’t working.

It’s 10p now and I’m slightly drunk. I’m listening to happy/heartbreaking music and drinking water. K is up in bed, hopefully asleep. He was in a horrible mood when he finally got home. I could see that I couldn’t help him and my inebriated state only irritated him. So I hid downstairs making cookies and now I’m out of things to do. Well, out of energy to do anything productive.

I’ll listen to a few more songs, then partially shower, then sneak into bed and lay awake until I can’t stand it anymore. Then I’ll wake up and do it all again.

Good for the body, bad for the heart

[Monday 7.5]

[Today 8]

The hours of jackhammer outside drove me to plug my hears with headphones and with new sounds much needed I finally downloaded “Handwritten.” I knew I’d wanted to listen to it with headphones in by myself so it would just be my head filled with the music, too selfish to share it with the air. I stuff my eardrums when I was tipsy and sobered up throughout the album.

It was everything I expected, songs that made me jump around a gyrate like I’d never do in public, and songs that made me think, and a song that left my tears racing for the floor.

Right now I’m bouncing on an 8. I want to run, I want to create, I want to punch, I want to sex. Today my passion is bubbling into my throat and I keep choking it back down.

And while I bake cookies and live in the house, I’m sharing with the least ideal person ever. And it helps. I like remembering the girl who ran off to other cities and followed her silly heart. I like remembering the sex that affected nothing and nothing affected it. I like remembering star gazing and wondering if he’ll take my hand.

I like remembering the pain and heartache. I remember it like the feeling of blood running down my arm. The cliché of feeling alive.

Space Olympics

(preface note: Saturday 6.5)

Sunday night at 9:30 and I’m feeling alert and active. The Olympics are on TV and I’m still wonderfully impressed like a child. My amazing husband is beside me and the laptop is between us with NASA TV on. There’s a Mars landing at 1:30 and if I’m on one of my midnight trips to the fridge I might be tempted to log on.

Today’s probably a 7.5. My productivity has been high and so had my mood. I’ve been playful and outwardly in love with everything and everyone. I’d like to hang on like this forever.

My problem will be falling asleep tonight. I want to be up all night working on projects but I need to fall asleep for myself and K.

Tabs don't work

Last night I had a weird dream that my parents were buying a new house and I was looking for a house too? The first house had slanted floors and I had a really hard time standing up. The second house was a mansion and had a waterfall into a swimming pool with gardens all around it inside a big atrium. Also another pool inside (outside?). It was way over their budget but they were going to buy it anyway so we could have parties. To me this didn’t seem like a good idea, we didn’t have anyone to invite and what would happen if they got hurt on the big tile staircase next to the waterfall? I think I talked them out of it. I also revealed that my ex C and I had posed s buyers (broke in) and looked at the house and went swimming in it. My subconscious has been in high gear recently.

Now if only I could convince my metabolism to join it. I pushed it pretty hard this week at the gym and I feel stronger and I’m noticing muscles I didn’t know I had. It’s mesmerizing. However, I gained 2 pounds and I’m visibly lumpier than normal. My nutrition is ridiculously awful. I will eat entire boxes of mac and cheese and not touch a damn vegetable for a week. I hate healthy food and it makes me feel sad. Wendy’s makes me feel happy.

Don’t have the bad food in the house.

Stick to a diet.

Stop eating fast food.

Eat smaller portions.

I know what to do! I just can’t do it! I’ve heard all that cutting calories, fat, sugars, carbs, pesticides and I’d love to. I’d love to sit down to a plate of grilled vegetables and think “This is going to be awesome!” I’d love to feel satisfied after 5 grains of rice and a nice small glass of organic fat free soy milk. But that would require some serious mind reprogramming and I think I left my determination in the fridge with the cookie dough.

Onto other matters. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. Yesterday gets a 7.5. Yesterday was Friday. So that leaves Thursday as about a 6.5. There I think I’ve got a string going. Let’s see.

Today 8/4: TBD

Friday 8/3:                        7.5

Thursday 8/2:                        6.5

Wednesday 8/1:            6

Tuesday 7/31:                        5

Monday 7/30:                        3.5

Sunday 7/29:                        3

Saturday 7/28:                       

Friday 7/27:

Thursday 7/26:

Wednesday 7/25:               4.5

Tuesday 7/24:                        4

Monday 7/23:                        5.5

Sunday 7/22:                        6

Saturday 7/21:                        6.5

Friday 7/20:                         7

Thursday 7/19:             8.5

Wednesday 7/18:            8

Tuesday 7/17:                        7.5

Monday 7/16:                        6

Well there’s a gap but overall not too bad. Reviewing my blog entries though, I could almost guess what number I was at by my writing style and tone. Well here’s to making today a 6.5!

I'll never be a writer

On Monday night I took a 300er and a 300 rather than a 150. I was feeling desperate. Tuesday I woke up from a good dream. These are so rare. I was happily participating in the Olympics and so was K. It was like waking up being able to breath for the first time. The day got better when I found out that I wasn’t a drunken fuck-up on Saturday night even though I still don’t remember 6 hours. Add in some good news that my trainer can teach me to swim as soon as I get a bathing suit and I was on my way to a good day by 11a. Much of the rest of the day was spent with my sister and that completed it. I was at a perfect 5.

Today is Wednesday, day 2 of taking 300x2, day 2 of good dreams, and I’m tipping a little towards 6 right now. Please don’t think I’m implying that my self-adjustment to my medication is what is causing this. I know that it takes time for medication change to be seen in moods. Just trying to record the facts as well as I can in a rambling narrative that no one reads.

Tipping into 6 has started my mind on all of the projects that

(I get distracted and don’t even finish a sentence and forget to post)