Sylvia didn't understand

To the best of my memory, which isn’t very good right now, it started about a week ago, on April 8^th. I start noticing it when the days feel lighter. There’s less hate and anger inside. Then the more common and noticeable signs show up. I talk a lot. I don’t need to sleep. I’m productive and focused. My appetite is low. My sex drive is high. Timing wise I think I stopped biting my nails 3 week ago. I’m hoping someday I can map everything so I can see the warning signs. I like graphs and charts and lists of data. I like organizing and rearranging. It’s data collection I’m no good at.

He writes computer programs sometimes for fun. He’s working on a task management program right now. I’ve thought about doing some research and forming a program to keep track of signs and feelings and moods. Then it could be an app. Maybe it could help more people than just me. Maybe I’m unqualified for this. I’m not a doctor. I only know myself. But I could read more… study.

The essential problem is getting me to input and input accurately. Sometimes it’s clear how I’m feeling but that’s not the majority of the time. Most of the time I don’t notice where I’m at until I’ve been there for awhile. And depression stops you from doing a lot of daily routines, keeping track of moods would definitely be one of the first to go, right behind flossing.

Yesterday we watched Sylvia. It was on our netflix list because I was on a Gwenyth Paltrow kick and Danial Craig was an added bonus. It was about Sylvia Plath who I knew very little about before the movie. In the beginning of the movie, I turned to him and said “We should be poets. We should rent a cabin on the water and write poetry all summer.” He cautioned me that the ending of the movie might not be as romantic. He was right. She was tormented by herself and ended up taking her own life. Today I’ve spent most of my free time internetting her and her family. It lead me to the connection between her and bipolar disorder. It was apparent in the movie but I still looked it up.

I get very serious when I see movies portraying characters with bipolar. It’s like I need to look around to see if anyone is watching my reaction. It’s a feeling that normal people won’t understand, only I will. It’s also a feeling that I want to keep it close to me. I want to digest all there is. I’ll probably start buying up Sylvia Plath’s books soon. Then the biographies.

Maybe I’ll even scribble down some secret poetry.