Not 500 Words

I’m supposed to be writing 500 words as a “statement of intent outlining my career goals.” I doubt that this essay is will fulfill that description.

I only started questioning my career goals recently, when my third job in a row started sinking like the rest of them. Standard symptoms; no acknowledgement, appreciation, companionship, advancement but this time is coupled with a huge loss of faith in my career choice. Maybe the magic has worn off, maybe I was too naïve and young to see it. Entertainment is the same as every other business, just a business. There’s politics and deceit and blindness.

It started out as a joke. I’ll become a librarian. It will be quiet. I can help people. People will leave me alone. It makes sense, I’m the one who always has to google everything. Instant knowledge at my fingertips. Then someone told me they knew someone who left the entertainment building and became a medical librarian. He’s happy and makes decent money. Lots of jobs. Then my boss tells me there’s lot of grant money. I broke down and looked at the local program.

Pitt is #10 of the top ten schools for mlis. It’s ALA accredited and from what I read it’s not worth going to school for the degree if it isn’t ALA. It’s local. Maybe I secretly always wanted to go to a big name school.

I’d always dreamed that my career in another life would be a major in history and minor in architectural engineering. But it seems like I’ve gotten a bit too old for that route. That reminds me that my time is running out. I’m 30.

I’m 30 and the only career that I’ve ever known doesn’t make me happy. The city I’m in doesn’t offer a future in it anyway and there’s not a big chance of us relocating.

My career future seems dark and I’m turning to this option because it seems easy. While reading over my notes from an information center I have written; “Do I lovethis because I’m manic?” I don’t know if this is what I want.

If I can’t convince myself, how am I going to writing 500 words and convince a review board that this is what I want to do with my life? Right now it seems like I would be writing a 500 word fiction. I wonder if it would convince me that it’s what I want.

Right now I can’t even figure out how I’m going to get through tomorrow. Need to exercise. Need to go to work. Need to answer e-mails. Need to catch up. Need to spend time with Kevin.

I just don’t know anything. This is disappointing. I am disappointing.