Something's wrong with my head

I am impatient today. Today and yesterday. Those days make up the last full weekend off for quite a long time. I haven’t been able to shake the stress from last week and I haven’t been able to hide from the stress of next week. I find I’m struggling against a short temper and forcing any productivity. It’s a miserable place to be. To join the party, my forehead headache has come back.

Everything that is making noise is making me angry right now. But I don’t want to go to sleep because then tomorrow will be here. I want to go on vacation. After I’ve gotten all of my to-dos done.

This is not going to end tonight.

It's about time

As I was walking home yesterday I started to think about how content I was with who I am right now:

I am a 30 yr old with a professional career in my chosen field. I live in a beautiful rented house in an historic neighborhood within walking distance from work. I regularly exercise, spin, and play racquetball. I have a personal trainer. I volunteer at the Pittsburgh Center for Creative Reuse and the Carnegie Library Distribution Center. I’m in the process of applying for graduate school. I am engaged to be married May of this year to a loving, strong, intelligent man who is easily my best friend. We enjoy cooking at home and have a membership to the Carnegie Museums. I am close to my family and see them as often as possible. We are all in good health and in good places.

The future is so bright. I never felt better than at this moment.

Not 500 Words

I’m supposed to be writing 500 words as a “statement of intent outlining my career goals.” I doubt that this essay is will fulfill that description.

I only started questioning my career goals recently, when my third job in a row started sinking like the rest of them. Standard symptoms; no acknowledgement, appreciation, companionship, advancement but this time is coupled with a huge loss of faith in my career choice. Maybe the magic has worn off, maybe I was too naïve and young to see it. Entertainment is the same as every other business, just a business. There’s politics and deceit and blindness.

It started out as a joke. I’ll become a librarian. It will be quiet. I can help people. People will leave me alone. It makes sense, I’m the one who always has to google everything. Instant knowledge at my fingertips. Then someone told me they knew someone who left the entertainment building and became a medical librarian. He’s happy and makes decent money. Lots of jobs. Then my boss tells me there’s lot of grant money. I broke down and looked at the local program.

Pitt is #10 of the top ten schools for mlis. It’s ALA accredited and from what I read it’s not worth going to school for the degree if it isn’t ALA. It’s local. Maybe I secretly always wanted to go to a big name school.

I’d always dreamed that my career in another life would be a major in history and minor in architectural engineering. But it seems like I’ve gotten a bit too old for that route. That reminds me that my time is running out. I’m 30.

I’m 30 and the only career that I’ve ever known doesn’t make me happy. The city I’m in doesn’t offer a future in it anyway and there’s not a big chance of us relocating.

My career future seems dark and I’m turning to this option because it seems easy. While reading over my notes from an information center I have written; “Do I lovethis because I’m manic?” I don’t know if this is what I want.

If I can’t convince myself, how am I going to writing 500 words and convince a review board that this is what I want to do with my life? Right now it seems like I would be writing a 500 word fiction. I wonder if it would convince me that it’s what I want.

Right now I can’t even figure out how I’m going to get through tomorrow. Need to exercise. Need to go to work. Need to answer e-mails. Need to catch up. Need to spend time with Kevin.

I just don’t know anything. This is disappointing. I am disappointing.

Morning destroyed by nightmares

Another morning sabotaged by my subconscious. My alarm went off promptly at 5am. The plan was to drag myself to spinning at 5:45a. The instant I woke up I remember something traumatic happened in my dream. I now can’t remember what it was but it shook me up. I was alert but something didn’t want me to get out of bed. Almost like my nightmares calling me back, I snoozed and then reset for 6a in an attempt to make the 6:45a class. But that brief sleep was terrorized by nightmares, this time including child abuse.

It always affects my day and now I’m sitting at my huge desk aimlessly clicking. My goal was to get enough done to leave a bit early but I’m stuck getting nothing done until it’s late enough to give up. What’s wrong with me right now?