I am cursed to only think about the negative moments in my life and to carry them with me like a heavy stone, placed in my stomach. It tires me out physically and the stress pushes my mind to the brink. I feel like I’m very close to shutting down.
Checking out just isn’t an option though. I’ve got more to work for than just me. But making myself happy is the first step. Happy with who I am. When I am happy, the whole world gets brighter. I know that the person closest to me deserves that light in his life.
We’ve only “known” each other for seven months. Only been “together” four months. In those past seven months, he has seen me through some hardships, stressful times and heartbreak. He’s never seen me carefree and joyous. He’s never seen me free. He’s never seen me after a triumphant opening night with my heart pounding louder than the applause. He’s never seen me in a group of my equals who support and care about each other.
Those moments feel so distant now. Now I feel caught, tied to a paranoid, negative rock that recently has been throw in a cold river. I’m sinking and I’m going to need something big to save me. For me. For him. For the happiness that can me ahead of us in our lives.
They say depression is a disease. They say bipolar is a condition. I can’t help but feel responsible for how I feel. I can’t blame it on a simple chemical imbalance. I’ve always refused. It’s the root of the guilt that ties me to the rock.
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