This morning I have been near tears, twice. It is only 11:42a. They were both inspired by little bits of life that came across my computer, something to keep me from doing any work. The first was a link from someone posting on facebook. It was a public service announcement about the dangers of melanoma. It was a group of people each writing their “Dear 16 yr old me,” letters outloud. They were all survivors of the cancer or lost someone to the cancer.
The second was one of those inspiration chain letters. A family friend still sends them to me and most of the time I don’t even read them the whole way through. This one had a quick story about a man who counted 3800 Saturdays in an average 75 yr old’s life. At 55 he put 1000 marbles in a container and took one out every Saturday.
It all boils down to making each day count, appreciating what you have, reassessing priorities, and taking care of yourself. These things I know. These thoughts I think every day.
Today my eyes welled up. Probably the stress, the 85 hr work week, seeing my family last night, or I’m sleepy.
In short, I should be careful this week.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Haiku - May 27
I don't want to know.
Your fireworks aren't mine.
Please leave me alone.
Blowing off some work
To let passion have its time
Just what I needed
Your fireworks aren't mine.
Please leave me alone.
Blowing off some work
To let passion have its time
Just what I needed
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Don't read this.
Communication is… whatever…. I don’t want to talk about it.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend. I don’t want to bring all the stress of work home. I don’t want to have to go to work every day for weeks on end without a single day devoted to you. I don’t want to constantly think of all the things I should be doing at home, laundry, dusting, dishes, planting herbs, hanging pictures, cleaning the 3rd floor. I definitely don’t want to think of all the personal projects I’m not doing, t-shirt quilt, baking, drawing Bubbles & Bicycles and all my other creative dreams. I want to get my nails done for May 11th. I know that life is moving too fast for me right now and I just want to jump off the train and sit for awhile. I need to re-center myself but there’s not time because I have to exercise and lose weight and make meals and pack my lunch and have clean clothes and work. Work is a struggle through incompetence to try to make it to a higher level. A higher level so I feel more comfortable with our finances and the idea of buying a house. A higher level so I’m valuable enough to get a month or two off for our baby and still have a job to come back to.
I know it was selfish of me to ask you to get out of bed for a half an hour to spend some time with me when it’s my fault that we don’t have time together anymore. I know it was selfish to go to the gym and not play racquetball with you. I know I’m spending time at another gym with my sister because it makes me happy to reconnect with her. I know that it makes you feel like I’m abandoning you. I know I was selfish to let Alex stay and Mary stay and invite James over and none of your friends have been over. I know you need my attention and my affection and you’re not getting enough of either.
I talk to you. I tell you how I’m feeling. Even when it’s not what you want to hear. I told you that I wish I’d had Sunday off to spend the whole day with you. I did not say “I don’t want to hang out at your parents for your mother’s birthday” or “my parents are better than yours.” I was just trying to let you know that I felt like I was living at a sprinting pace and I dreamed of quiet time with just you and me.
I envy you for making your own schedule and sleeping in and taking only jobs that you want and not dealing with office politics. I wish my life was more like that.
I felt silly that I missed your blog posts. I’ve been checking regularly for months and just as I’m complaining that you’re not talking to me, you’ve actually told me everything you’re thinking and told me not to read it.
Well don’t read this.
And especially this next part.
I still talk to him. As you know. Mostly he starts it by asking me what I’m doing and if I want to come out and help him pick out paint colors. It always ends with us rehashing the end of our relationship. It’s a repetitive interaction that gets more frustrating every time it happens. At the end of the exchange I abruptly stop texting and think “I’m never going to talk to him again.” But I do. And I even want to sit down with him and maybe have a beer. Why? Because I want to get him to admit that he did something wrong in the relationship. I want to hear him say that I’m not 100% responsible for the destruction. It’s another example of me being selfish. I want to hear him say that because it will help my guilt about our relationship. I want to move on from it knowing that it wasn’t all my fault.
Because I feel guilty. I feel guilty about everything I’ve written here and every way that I’m feeling right now. I feel guilty when I can’t be happy. When I can’t make you happy.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend. I don’t want to bring all the stress of work home. I don’t want to have to go to work every day for weeks on end without a single day devoted to you. I don’t want to constantly think of all the things I should be doing at home, laundry, dusting, dishes, planting herbs, hanging pictures, cleaning the 3rd floor. I definitely don’t want to think of all the personal projects I’m not doing, t-shirt quilt, baking, drawing Bubbles & Bicycles and all my other creative dreams. I want to get my nails done for May 11th. I know that life is moving too fast for me right now and I just want to jump off the train and sit for awhile. I need to re-center myself but there’s not time because I have to exercise and lose weight and make meals and pack my lunch and have clean clothes and work. Work is a struggle through incompetence to try to make it to a higher level. A higher level so I feel more comfortable with our finances and the idea of buying a house. A higher level so I’m valuable enough to get a month or two off for our baby and still have a job to come back to.
I know it was selfish of me to ask you to get out of bed for a half an hour to spend some time with me when it’s my fault that we don’t have time together anymore. I know it was selfish to go to the gym and not play racquetball with you. I know I’m spending time at another gym with my sister because it makes me happy to reconnect with her. I know that it makes you feel like I’m abandoning you. I know I was selfish to let Alex stay and Mary stay and invite James over and none of your friends have been over. I know you need my attention and my affection and you’re not getting enough of either.
I talk to you. I tell you how I’m feeling. Even when it’s not what you want to hear. I told you that I wish I’d had Sunday off to spend the whole day with you. I did not say “I don’t want to hang out at your parents for your mother’s birthday” or “my parents are better than yours.” I was just trying to let you know that I felt like I was living at a sprinting pace and I dreamed of quiet time with just you and me.
I envy you for making your own schedule and sleeping in and taking only jobs that you want and not dealing with office politics. I wish my life was more like that.
I felt silly that I missed your blog posts. I’ve been checking regularly for months and just as I’m complaining that you’re not talking to me, you’ve actually told me everything you’re thinking and told me not to read it.
Well don’t read this.
And especially this next part.
I still talk to him. As you know. Mostly he starts it by asking me what I’m doing and if I want to come out and help him pick out paint colors. It always ends with us rehashing the end of our relationship. It’s a repetitive interaction that gets more frustrating every time it happens. At the end of the exchange I abruptly stop texting and think “I’m never going to talk to him again.” But I do. And I even want to sit down with him and maybe have a beer. Why? Because I want to get him to admit that he did something wrong in the relationship. I want to hear him say that I’m not 100% responsible for the destruction. It’s another example of me being selfish. I want to hear him say that because it will help my guilt about our relationship. I want to move on from it knowing that it wasn’t all my fault.
Because I feel guilty. I feel guilty about everything I’ve written here and every way that I’m feeling right now. I feel guilty when I can’t be happy. When I can’t make you happy.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Previous park musings
Accepting that I have dynamic extreme moods and for 10 years I have been unable to alter any part of that truth, has led me to this realization; ifI'm only going to feel this good 50% of the time I must spread it around as much as possible in that time. (Note: 50% is a generous figure) I should gleefully share my blissful mania with as many people asI see. Say hi to strangers with a genuine happiness of having spoken to them. That satisfaction of having expanded my world just one personal interaction.
I must create every second that I can. Wring out the ideas from my mind while I still have this time. I will push myself to go farther and relax with the exhaustion that follows. I will eat healthy and grab that homemade muffin for breakfast before my walk to work.
I will exercise and stretch my body from the weeks of motionless. I will keep my heart pounding and my fingernails growing.
The world will be beautiful beyond belief and the possibilities of finding myself are in every cloud and every street corner.
I will categorize myself as a romantic, as an inventor.
**I wrote this while walking to work this week. My monologue was cut short when my former upstairs neighbor rode up on his bike and stopped to walk into the city with me. Normally I would be thankful for this but that say I saw it as an interruption of my thoughts. I was forced to be quiet and listen to his plans for his grand trip west this summer. It was a selfish thought but mine.
I must create every second that I can. Wring out the ideas from my mind while I still have this time. I will push myself to go farther and relax with the exhaustion that follows. I will eat healthy and grab that homemade muffin for breakfast before my walk to work.
I will exercise and stretch my body from the weeks of motionless. I will keep my heart pounding and my fingernails growing.
The world will be beautiful beyond belief and the possibilities of finding myself are in every cloud and every street corner.
I will categorize myself as a romantic, as an inventor.
**I wrote this while walking to work this week. My monologue was cut short when my former upstairs neighbor rode up on his bike and stopped to walk into the city with me. Normally I would be thankful for this but that say I saw it as an interruption of my thoughts. I was forced to be quiet and listen to his plans for his grand trip west this summer. It was a selfish thought but mine.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Who's asking these and do they care?
I’m going to answer them. After having taken half a percoset at work half an hour ago.
• What motivates me?
-Whiskey, sunshine, sex, reinforcement. But only sometimes on answers A thru D.
• What interests me?
-Crafts, metalsmithing, letterpress, web comics. But only sometimes on answers A thru D.
• What would I do more if I could?
-Travel, sleep, drink, have sex, make things, cook.
• What do I want?
-A job where I feel appreciated. More free time. A studio. A passion. A ring. A child.
• What do I care about, or what did I care about before my illness?
-My Love. I can’t remember a time before my illness. Oh yeah, theater.
• Where do I want my life to go?
-Forward. I want to learn more, do more, travel more, experience more.
• What brings me joy?
-I. Don’t. Know. – I. Never. Did.
• What are my dreams and hopes?
-Right now I dream about finding an art to call my own and share with the world. I want to give back and become part of a creating community.
-I dream about making a home that people come to and laugh and share stories and ideas.
-I dream about making a family.
-I dream about traveling the world.
• What motivates me?
-Whiskey, sunshine, sex, reinforcement. But only sometimes on answers A thru D.
• What interests me?
-Crafts, metalsmithing, letterpress, web comics. But only sometimes on answers A thru D.
• What would I do more if I could?
-Travel, sleep, drink, have sex, make things, cook.
• What do I want?
-A job where I feel appreciated. More free time. A studio. A passion. A ring. A child.
• What do I care about, or what did I care about before my illness?
-My Love. I can’t remember a time before my illness. Oh yeah, theater.
• Where do I want my life to go?
-Forward. I want to learn more, do more, travel more, experience more.
• What brings me joy?
-I. Don’t. Know. – I. Never. Did.
• What are my dreams and hopes?
-Right now I dream about finding an art to call my own and share with the world. I want to give back and become part of a creating community.
-I dream about making a home that people come to and laugh and share stories and ideas.
-I dream about making a family.
-I dream about traveling the world.
Wish I was skipping rocks
I am cursed to only think about the negative moments in my life and to carry them with me like a heavy stone, placed in my stomach. It tires me out physically and the stress pushes my mind to the brink. I feel like I’m very close to shutting down.
Checking out just isn’t an option though. I’ve got more to work for than just me. But making myself happy is the first step. Happy with who I am. When I am happy, the whole world gets brighter. I know that the person closest to me deserves that light in his life.
We’ve only “known” each other for seven months. Only been “together” four months. In those past seven months, he has seen me through some hardships, stressful times and heartbreak. He’s never seen me carefree and joyous. He’s never seen me free. He’s never seen me after a triumphant opening night with my heart pounding louder than the applause. He’s never seen me in a group of my equals who support and care about each other.
Those moments feel so distant now. Now I feel caught, tied to a paranoid, negative rock that recently has been throw in a cold river. I’m sinking and I’m going to need something big to save me. For me. For him. For the happiness that can me ahead of us in our lives.
They say depression is a disease. They say bipolar is a condition. I can’t help but feel responsible for how I feel. I can’t blame it on a simple chemical imbalance. I’ve always refused. It’s the root of the guilt that ties me to the rock.
Checking out just isn’t an option though. I’ve got more to work for than just me. But making myself happy is the first step. Happy with who I am. When I am happy, the whole world gets brighter. I know that the person closest to me deserves that light in his life.
We’ve only “known” each other for seven months. Only been “together” four months. In those past seven months, he has seen me through some hardships, stressful times and heartbreak. He’s never seen me carefree and joyous. He’s never seen me free. He’s never seen me after a triumphant opening night with my heart pounding louder than the applause. He’s never seen me in a group of my equals who support and care about each other.
Those moments feel so distant now. Now I feel caught, tied to a paranoid, negative rock that recently has been throw in a cold river. I’m sinking and I’m going to need something big to save me. For me. For him. For the happiness that can me ahead of us in our lives.
They say depression is a disease. They say bipolar is a condition. I can’t help but feel responsible for how I feel. I can’t blame it on a simple chemical imbalance. I’ve always refused. It’s the root of the guilt that ties me to the rock.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Scrambling and losing
My mind is a broken record, constantly spinning around getting stuck at the same part. Everyone knows that records can’t be fixed. Scratch that, hardly anyone remembers records anymore. I’ll be explaining to my children what a broken record is someday.
I’d assumed I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life since I was kid. Theater was the only place I felt like I belonged and so I was determined to stay. Now, at 30 I don’t even feel like I belong here. Truth is, I don’t care if this show rehearsing onstage is awful. I feel guilty and apathetic at the same time. It’s an internal stress that won’t let me go. It gnaws at me as I sit here and watch the minutes of my life tick by without anything being produced. I’m too embarrassed to look at what’s going on. This isn’t quality and I’m not helping.
What’s keeping me from turning this around? Confidence? I don’t feel that I have the security to barge in and tell everyone they’re doing things wrong. Everyone. I don’t have the magic solution anyway. I can’t be a team of one. I can’t be the little white red headed bossy girl. I don’t have the support. I don’t feel like I belong. I want to see them fail? So I can say I told you so? Self righteousness? I’m too good to be helping them out? None of these reasons absolve me of guilt.
Brief thought: Would I be happier if I let myself go crazy? I’ve been fighting it a long time. Maybe I’m just tired.
I’d assumed I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life since I was kid. Theater was the only place I felt like I belonged and so I was determined to stay. Now, at 30 I don’t even feel like I belong here. Truth is, I don’t care if this show rehearsing onstage is awful. I feel guilty and apathetic at the same time. It’s an internal stress that won’t let me go. It gnaws at me as I sit here and watch the minutes of my life tick by without anything being produced. I’m too embarrassed to look at what’s going on. This isn’t quality and I’m not helping.
What’s keeping me from turning this around? Confidence? I don’t feel that I have the security to barge in and tell everyone they’re doing things wrong. Everyone. I don’t have the magic solution anyway. I can’t be a team of one. I can’t be the little white red headed bossy girl. I don’t have the support. I don’t feel like I belong. I want to see them fail? So I can say I told you so? Self righteousness? I’m too good to be helping them out? None of these reasons absolve me of guilt.
Brief thought: Would I be happier if I let myself go crazy? I’ve been fighting it a long time. Maybe I’m just tired.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
No answers
Today I will spend almost 14 hours in a dark booth in a theater. There is a not a bit of comfort here and my only window is this computer screen. When I took a short break to walk the length of the building the view behind the wall of glass was of a gray world being dripped upon from above.
So I dream about laying in the cool grass underneath the sun, probably hiding in the shade blowing bubbles…walking over to the kitchen to grab a cool cocktail… kissing his sweet mouth.
I dream about our house filled with laughter or quiet conversations… the savory smell of dinner cooking… or cookies baking.
I sit alone here and wonder how I can get closer to my dreams, and further away from this darkness.
So I dream about laying in the cool grass underneath the sun, probably hiding in the shade blowing bubbles…walking over to the kitchen to grab a cool cocktail… kissing his sweet mouth.
I dream about our house filled with laughter or quiet conversations… the savory smell of dinner cooking… or cookies baking.
I sit alone here and wonder how I can get closer to my dreams, and further away from this darkness.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Hello My Name Is
Hello!!
Thanks Judy! I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself to my new neighbors!
As Lindsay said, I moved from lower Buena Vista. You might know the house as "the one with the awful porch" down in the 1200's. After living there for almost 2 years and surviving a year without front steps, I am happy to be moving up the street.
I work as the ---- and enjoy being in a neighborhood close enough to walk or ride my little purple bicycle to work. I work a crazy schedule but when I have a bit free time I like reading, crafting and baking. I'm very close with my family (Mom and Dad helped with the move yesterday) and I've got two younger sisters. I also just turned the big 3-0.
My boyfriend K---- (who's packing and moving right now) can introduce himself but I feel comfortable speaking for both of us when I say that we are THRILLED to be moving up the hill and into your little community.
I look forward to meeting all of you and don't ever hesitate to stop on over. We're friendly people.
Thanks Judy! I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself to my new neighbors!
As Lindsay said, I moved from lower Buena Vista. You might know the house as "the one with the awful porch" down in the 1200's. After living there for almost 2 years and surviving a year without front steps, I am happy to be moving up the street.
I work as the ---- and enjoy being in a neighborhood close enough to walk or ride my little purple bicycle to work. I work a crazy schedule but when I have a bit free time I like reading, crafting and baking. I'm very close with my family (Mom and Dad helped with the move yesterday) and I've got two younger sisters. I also just turned the big 3-0.
My boyfriend K---- (who's packing and moving right now) can introduce himself but I feel comfortable speaking for both of us when I say that we are THRILLED to be moving up the hill and into your little community.
I look forward to meeting all of you and don't ever hesitate to stop on over. We're friendly people.
This is my intro letter to my new neighbors. I didn't have a lot of time to write it and I have to admit that I struggled. I hate generic introductions and I found myself without anything important to say.
So I'm re-upping my goals! Remember those?!
I'm working on losing 20lbs. That's definitely more than I ever thought I'd be losing but here I am. It's gonna take a lot of work and a lot of being cranky and hungry.
Also, in a month I'm going to write a new introduction. Maybe I'll write a bunch. But it had BETTER every time!
And then there's "Managing the budget" "Saving money" "Being more efficient and prominent at work." "Reading more books" "Blah blah blah"
But let's work on the weight first.
P.S. I'm hungry.
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