Any better?

Yes. Really I've come a long way. I'm a million times better at being a housekeeper/house manager. I change the sheets every week. EVERY WEEK! That's adult shit right there.

But some days. Some days it's 10:30a and I've had a couple of shots. I did them because I wouldn't be able to get out of the house today and the guilt and shame of calling off of all my jobs would be too much.

I'm always managing how not to get to "too much."

And I'm only drinking to confuse my mind, slow it down a bit, so it doesn't jump to the sadness too quick.

This morning he made a joke about a plastic gem being the size of the nose ring he was going to get me. Innocent fun. My mind jumped to the gorgeous, perfect for me, diamond necklace that he got for me. It's now lost. Guilt. Shame.

Sober in New Orleans - Part 2

He took me to a bar with friends. I sipped an orange juice. I have to remember to ask for it without ice. I have to figure out how to order it without getting it in a big juice glass with a straw. "I'd like a screwdriver, hold the vodka"? Sounds like a tool. I don't drink screwdrivers except at home when it's just vodka and whatever.

Last night I finally went out to eat by myself. I had truffle mac n cheese. I sat at the bar so as not to look so pathetic by myself. It was a whiskey bar and 3 feet away from me 33 whiskeys looked at me longingly.

He started using the word "hotel" as the world uses the word "home." "Going hotel." "I'll be hotel in 10."

I'm going to use "sober" as the world uses the word "drunk." "I'm an angry sober." "I have a lot less fun now that I'm a sober."

Getting it off my chest and wanting to suck it all back in

This morning I talked about how I didn't have anyone in my life that understood me. That he wasn't supportive or encouraging. Captain Buzzkill is humorous but it hurts. I said he had no example of how to be sensitive to a spouse. I told him my friend knew all the right things to say. I told him I'd take the movie for the extra 2 months. But I was biased because it's something I'd love to do and that I'm jealous of his career. Then I said that we were such different people. That's actually when I transitioned into not understanding me.

I talked a lot. I got it all off of my chest. I thought I felt relieved.

But now I have feelings of dread and guilt. His greatest fear is that he's not going to be enough for me, be too boring, and I'm going to fall in love with someone else. And there I went spouting out rubbish that probably seemed to confirm his fears.

Did I help our relationship by being honest or hurt it?

Sober in New Orleans

Went down to the Managers Reception. Free drinks. I turned around and headed back to the room.

Walked around the neighborhood. Wine bars, saloons, pubs... Went back to the room.

Ate a really sticky orange.

First impressions

Well I made it here. And I’m here. And it’s not horrible. Although when we normally would have jumped into bed there was a noticeable void. His kisses are only pecks but they’re there. And he’s gone for the night and when he gets home I’ll put him straight to bed. So I’m cleaning the room, putting away clean clothes and doing laundry then running errands to pick up my new birth control. I just wanted to let someone know, the internet know. Tell someone how I’m feeling. A little lost. A little bit like I have to be happy to make him love me again. And eternally lonely.

Sacrifices

I think I may have to lose myself to keep these rings on my finger.

I think I can accept this.

I hated myself anyway.

shhh

I don't want to make anyone feel bad.

So I guess I'll be quiet for awhile.

But when I say that I'm fine.

I hope they don't believe me.