The beginning of the end

The room is dark save for the fluorescent work lights on the back wall. The air is still and warm. The current doesn’t flow until the crowd does. There’s a Steinway grand piano and a spattering of chairs and music stands. I want to finish the set-up but somewhere along the way I realized I don’t know it anymore. I know the number of chairs and stands in each row but I don’t know the small details, the right leg 1’ from center and how the first trumpet needs to be closer to the edge.

The scene makes me think of younger years when my energy would keep me skipping around tossing platforms by myself. My love for what I was doing made me strong and invincible. My reward was knowing I created something new every day. Something people enjoyed and applauded. I didn’t mind that no one knew who I was or what I did. Maybe I minded a little. But I felt confident that I’d get recognition and appreciation. It was all I really needed.

This morning I’m waiting for a piano tuner. A piano tuner who may or may not show up. My heart is heavy. I am sad. I am fearful of the future. The only career which I have known my entire life no longer makes me happy. It seems to have turned into a cruel world of enemies. I have trouble accepting that there can be so much negativity in a field where we create art for a living. We make wonder, we pretend, we play. It seems so many people have lost site of that. I have no more faith in what I’ve devoted my life to. I dream about there being progressive, intelligent communities of people still making magic but the chances of finding one, in this city, are near impossible. This city hasn’t been my friend in theater since I dropped out of college and off the face of the earth. I have unwillingly made enemies. I am unknown even after working for 18 years.

I feel the end getting closer and it’s scary. There’s nowhere for me to go in this city. I have no other skills or career path. The economy is making it hard to find jobs. I need a job. I need money. I haven’t saved as much as I should. Saving for the future is so hard. It will be even harder without a job.

The depression of the situation lies close to the surface these days. It’s contributing to tension and stress and bad sleep. Part of me wishing I could fast forward, just get it over with. Part of me tries to remember to be positive about each day. I’m struggling without a direction.

I guess I should update my resume.

Rinse and repeat

We’re back from Vegas. I suppose I’ve been meaning to open up this document and pound out some thoughts for awhile now but life has been busy. It still is. It’s the time of year when my task lists exceed the time in the day. So much needs to be done that I don’t know where to start. My focus suffers and so does my productivity. Before we left for the trip I was becoming really sleepy every day. Sleepy to the point of nodding off multiple times a day. I think it was the stress shutting my body down.

It’s now clear that I am unhappy at work. This is truly disheartening because I’ve invested so much in this job and this career path. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I’d found a place that respected me that I could stay for a good number of years. Heartbreakingly this job has followed the script of my previous jobs and it’s hard not to consider myself the greatest factor. My job isn’t understood, I’m not appreciated or listened to, I don’t believe in the direction they’re going and there’s a personality who is against me and makes my daily life a living hell when I have to interact with him. Story of my life. I get angry when I draw those parallels. There’s so much in this world and I’m doomed to repeat the demise of a job every couple years? What will break the cycle?

Instead of debating this any more I’m going to try to focus on the next couple weeks of the holiday. I’m going to try to remain focused and in motion for the whole day with a possible nap in the middle. Hey, we didn’t get in until 2a!

So much for...

I can hardly keep my eyes open. I don’t know why. It started this morning when I was sitting in the dentist chair at 9a nodding off. It’s happened a couple times at my desk. Even the brisk walk in the cold and lunch didn’t help. The Pepsi Max didn’t help either.

It’s obviously the tasty but deadly blueberry muffins I made last night.

Or maybe it’s my body responding to the added stress in my life right now. My body wants to shut down and cuddle up with K and sleep for 17 hrs or so.

It’s also this time when I can’t really push myself to do anything productive. I’m caught reading other people’s personal blogs that I’ve stumbled on or re-checking the news every 2 minutes. Facebook bores me these days. People just repost funny pictures or new articles or quotes. They don’t even update that they’re sitting in a waiting room or eating anymore.

Eating. I had a veggie dog today. It was an attempt at not feeling guilty eating two hot dogs. I ate it but it had the consistency and the taste of a sponge.

It’s now the evening. Football is on the TV, our quarterback is hurt. A glass of wine sits next to me and my computer is ever present in my lap where my fiancé would like to be. I’m surprised I’m not asleep but the body induced fatigue seems to have lifted since we put a bit of distance between us and the house/work/to-do lists.

Vegas can’t come soon enough but I also want to be prepared enough that it’s not a stressful trip. So much to do. So little time. So little money. So many worries.