Haiku - March 18

Baby Astronauts

Spinning without gravity

Floating through cuteness

F-This, I'm sorry.

It hit me so hard this time and I’m angrier than ever. My dad mentioned it on the phone today when I was telling him about my boyfriend’s car being broken into. He mentioned how it was even harder to deal with because I was in “down swing,” how everything was a tragedy when I’m like this. I hated him for saying that and I quickly made a dumb excuse for getting off the phone.

How dare he pretend to know my moods! How dare he comment on them so calmly and matter-of-factly! I was in denial about my moods and my mood swings and this stupid disease. If I don’t take any more medication then it doesn’t exist? Right!?

Then I find myself with my cheek pressed to the dirty carpet in my apartment. I haven’t taken off my overcoat in hours. It hadn’t seemed as necessary as the multiple drinks I’ve made myself.

I lay here and I glance at the computer, on the other end is my loving boyfriend who has to be away from me tonight. It’s probably best for him. I want to cry. I want to sob out all of the sorrow and fears of the past 30 years. There’s an urgency to it that counters my apathy. “You should do it now while no one else is around!”

And the anger. The anger of not being able to fix this. Three days ago I was drinking 3 liters of water, and taking all my medicine and starting back at the gym. I felt determined and optimistic that I could make the long climb back to where I was, that I could slowly drop the pounds. It was only a couple days ago!! What happened?! Why now!

Tomorrow I start a couple of weeks of 14-16 hr days, stressful days, tiresome days, days full of argument and distraction. I won’t be able to fix myself. I won’t be able to sleep the 22 hrs a day that I want to. I’m so frightened of working the long hours and drinking the rest of those hours. And I know it’s going to happen because that’s what always happens. And I should know because today I ripped off ALL of my fingernails. ALL. My hands reflect the hopelessness that I feel.

And I’m ANGRY. Because I’m smart and driven and I love life and it’s not fair that my own mind can sabotage my like this. And it’s been years that I’ve been like this and I should have learned how to avoid it or how to deal with it or what to do.

So I feel stupid, and inadequate and remorseful and sad and angry. And there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.

Can we RENT a treehouse?

Serious conversations belong in the bathtub. Apartment vs House didn’t start in the bathtub with hummus and whiskey. It started in Skype. I let it start because I was excited to talk about it. He let it start because he thought it was an easy conversation with a clear answer (I think.). Either way it was quickly obvious that we weren’t exactly on the same page. We know not to expect the other to be in our mind, but I’m not sure we knew how far away the other one was.

I feel foolish. I got dreams confused with plans for a moment. I dreamed about house shopping and planning and painting and fixing and when people told me it was easily within my grasp, I accidently thought I was closer to planning than we were.

I’m not going to rush him and I’m not going to rush without him. I love him too much for that and when we’re both ready for it, we’ll buy a house. But for now it seems clear, another one year lease.

Can I Buy A Treehouse?

To me growing up is just my next adventure and it’s apparent that the adventure is right around the corner. I turn 30 in a month and some days. Recently my steady weight that I’ve held for years has jumped up almost 10 pounds. I’ve got a job I intend to keep. These are all signs that the years behind me are not the same as the years ahead of me.

I’ve fallen in love. Not that totally crazy “This HAS to be love!” from when I was younger. Although it’s quite crazy and passionate sometimes, it holds a maturity and respect about it that I’d never felt before. Now there are two of us gazing towards the same future. Now we can plan.

There’s no question that we want to live together as soon as possible. We’ve been co-habitating between two apartments for months now, neither of us wanting to be alone for a single night. At first the answer was simple, let’s start looking for an apartment. It took a tiny bit for me to come to terms with that fact that I’d be leaving behind the most perfect apartment I’d ever lived in. The truth was, it was only perfect for me, not for two people starting a life together. After that initial reluctance we started talking about where we would live and what we were looking for in an apartment.

Relating this series of events to a friend of mine, he stopped me and told me it was time for me to buy a house. I have a good job, it’s a good market and he told me it was time to stop renting and giving my money away to a landlord. He told me my dad would agree. I picked up the phone and called home. He agreed. A few days earlier, my boyfriend’s dad had told me it was a shame I wasn’t in the market for a house, it was a good time to buy.

No one was reinforcing my reaction. “I’m not ready to grow up!” This was a step I hadn’t even considered but here it was staring me right in my face, waiting for me to run.

This decision isn’t my own though, the next step is a step that we take together and that brings a lot more decisions.

This little anecdote doesn’t have an ending yet. Let’s consider it an introduction, an exploration in my thoughts on the matter. As my dad said, “What are you scared of?”

I don’t have an answer for him or myself.

Haiku - March 10

Missing you all day

Caffeine aids my distraction

Urgency remains

Haiku - March 3

Have you forgotten

To remember all your thoughts

Just write them down here

This one's for you, Joan Jett.

It’s been too long since I’ve felt rested and optimistic. Yesterday was a bad day for both of us, feeling tired and sick and plagued by mountains of work, a parking ticket and a visit with a surgeon. When we finally got home around 8ish we plopped down on the couch with a pizza and the bottle of Jameson and threw in The Runaways. After the movie we melted into each others arms and made out on the couch like teenagers before I dragged him to the bedroom and threw our clothes everywhere. We were asleep by 11p and I didn’t get out of bed until 8a.

Today I feel like there’s a chance I might actually get items off of my to-do list. The number 27 doesn’t seem insurmountable. My goal of 4 liters of water seems possible and I’m entertaining the idea of eating healthier and exercising a bit. It will just take a bit of discipline, right?

I’m going to ignore all of my pessimistic thoughts right now and get back to work. But this blog is something I’ve been ignoring and frankly, we’re making too many good memories to only document the bad ones.