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Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
We only blog when something's wrong
Can I tell you something I’ve been thinking about?
I think when I’m in the car by myself usually. It’s a time when I don’t have to worry about “doing” anything because I’m already in the act of driving, going somewhere, with a destination. It’s those moments when my mind wanders back to the past. Recently my mind has focused on the events that have led me to our situation. My mind isn’t remembering long ago or dreaming about the future, it’s analyzing every look and every smile to make sure it’s sincere and when my mind concludes that it was, it naturally starts to question why it took so long for me to get there.
Last night was full of nightmares, as most nights are. Last night he crept into my nightmares as a main character and twisted the nightmare around in order to fill it with guilt and grief and uncertainness. The only thing he succeeded in was gaining a spot in my mind through the day, which can be damaging enough.
The reason behind the thought that led to my next conclusion has been explained. In answer to one of my questions “What made you stay so long with someone when everything pointed to it being wrong?”… He shared a pain with me that brought us close. He knows the heartbreak of being in love with someone and despair when your love is proven false. He knew the self-loathing and the anger and the constant questioning of every situation that came along. He also still had hope and a dream for the future and knew that our time was running out. Even when he refused to talk about his feelings, I knew what had brought us together.
One of the things that makes me angry is that we’ve ended up in the exact place where our fears placed the other. In his mind, I am the same cheating, lying, uncaring bitch as all of his other exes and in my mind, he is the same ignorant, oblivious asshole that I’ve come across a dozen times before. The weaknesses that we confessed to each other in those first few moments, those confessions which we balked at have now come to pass. And for as much as I hate to repeat the future, I hate where we ended up.
I force myself not to think about it, I remind myself that time will make me forget all of those moments that when added together don’t mean anything. I focus on all of the amazing times ahead of me and the wonderful man that I will share them with. Somewhere inside I am a bit scared.
This man doesn’t know how deep my heart has been hurt. He can’t understand why my eyes leak for no apparent reason. He doesn’t know how much it means to me that I finally believe again. And he doesn’t know how deeply I’m scared. I’m scared of every slight possibility of saying something or doing something to mess everything up. I’m scared that it will be he that says something that I can’t forgive. I want to rush ahead because I want to make sure it will all work out but at the same time the wishing will lead to my inevitable death.
I want to stop right now and appreciate this perfect moment. This moment when the couch feels warm and soft beneath me and the room is quiet except for my typing. A cupcake sits next to me and across the couch a man who loves me gives me just enough space so that my mind can empty itself of all of the things that I can’t say outloud. And he’s always close enough that if I need him, all I need to do is reach out. He isn’t glancing at me too often, which is good because I don’t want him to catch my eyes as I write this.
I may look sad and upset, but really… I needed to get this out. Put it down somewhere because in all honesty, nothing matter as much as the feeling of love that has finally found me.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
And that seems to be it tonight
Tonight my eyes let loose and the tears ran like two salty faucets down my cheeks while I was in the shower. The warm water pelting my back was no contest to the two streaks that dominated my face.
You see, my heart scares me. I am certain about where my heart is right now and how it feels but every now and again (sometimes in the shower) I am reminded that my heart has been wrong. My poor little squishy heart has leapt at the word “forever” without ever thinking if it was a rational expectation.
How must I gain the strength to pursue what I know is right? How can I convince someone else how I feel? To go on.
Haiku - February 3
Daily doesn't seem to be working
My tears join the drops
Warm water envelopes me
Naked honesty
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